--Station WODD, Chicago, USA.
Broadcaster: "Hello everybody, Iím William Slatterby, host of the show everybodyís talking about, "The Why Behind the Why." This week weíll be looking into a question that has confounded citizens since the beginning of time, or at least since the 1960s. Our 20 dollar question today is, "Do feminists have a sense of humor?"
Assembled to my right is a wonderful panel of experts to address the issue. We have Amanda Wazelstein, scholar, performance artist, exotic dancer, and Vice President of Feminists for Inequality and Female Privilege. Next to her is Teesa Turner of Feminists for More Government. Ms. Turner is a--"
Teesa: "Excuse me, William, its Misses."
Broadcaster: "Oh right, I see. Who isnít married nowadays? Heh, heh, heh."
Teesa [outraged]: "What are you trying to say?"
Broadcaster: "Hey Misses, relax. At any rate, Mrs. Turner is a lesbian activist with over twenty years of fundraising experience under her belt. Lastly, to round out our panel and provide us with a little diversity, we have Oral Johns, Ataman of the Gay Menís Feminist Alliance. Mr. Johns, youíre first--"
Amanda: "Why is he first? Is it because heís a man?"
Broadcaster: "You people are a riot. Okay Oral, what do you think?"
Oral: "About what? What was the question?"
Broadcaster: "Well, do feminists have a sense of humor?"
Oral: "Of course we do. Thinking we donít is proof of your own sexism. Why would you even worry about something like that anyway? Believe me, youíre the only person who cares. The television audience knows better. They see through your faux inquisitiveness and know that hate lurks behind it."
Amanda: "Yes, I think we know whatís really at issue--Bobís inadequacies. Did you bring this up to teach children how to hate? Whatís missing inside you? Why are you attacking feminists?"
Broadcaster: "What? This isnít about me."
Oral: "Oh, yes it is."
Teesa: "You got it, Amanda. Heís got nothing better to do than hunt women to make himself feel powerful. Well, how does it feel Bob? Do you feel like a real man?"
Oral: "Sheís a mess."
Broadcaster: "Umm, hold on everybody. Iím the host. Our producer picked this topic. I had nothing to do with it."
Amanda: "Ah, the Eichmann Excuse. Thatís the type of thing the Nazis said. They were just following orders. Donít you have a conscience?"
Broadcaster: "Letís not blow this out of proportion. Asking if feminists have a sense of humor is not the stuff of concentration camps."
Oral: "Programs like yours put us on the road to Auschwitz. The connection is clear to everyone here except you. No one wonder youíre stuck doing a cable access show. Youíre a hack."
Broadcaster: [Heavy sigh] "Okay, letís try again. Teesa, do feminists have a sense of humor? Yes or no?"
Teesa: "You know, I agree with Amanda. Even dreaming up a question like that suggests that youíre disturbed. Bob, do you beat up your wife at night? How about your mother? Honestly, how much pornography do you consume in a week?"
Broadcaster: "Well, that depends on how its cooked." [Giggles heartily but no one else does].
Amanda: "You are one sick guy, Bob. Even if it is cable access, I canít believe youíre actually a [makes air quotes] talk show host. Who is Bob Slatterby? Now thatís a topic that would make for a good show."
Broadcaster: "This character assassination is very fascinating, but I guess Iíll have to accept that none of you are going to answer the question."
Oral: "We answered it like five minutes ago, Queen Bobby. You know thereís medication available to help with your inattention."
Amanda: "Look, Iím a feminist and a perfect example of feminists in general because I spend the whole day laughing. Often I have to stop myself after realizing how terrible guys like you have made the world, Bob Phillip Slatterby. Thatís right, I know your middle name. I did a search yesterday and found lots of compromising things.
Teesa: "Speaking of Bob, why is HE hosting this show and not a woman? I notice both of the camera operators are male as well."
Oral: "Itís clearly a pattern with these guys. They discriminate against women to feel powerful. No women, gays, or blacks need apply. Itís a racist television station."
Broadcaster: "Well friends, thanks to our panelists we now know that feminists do have a sense of humor."
Teesa: "Of course we do, look at the satiric brilliance of Ani DiFranco. What more needs to be said?"
Oral: "Yes, thatís the end of the discussion. If you want to ask me about something meaningful like the parade in June then Iíll be happy to elaborate, but until then Iím done talking."
Amanda: "One more thing, Oral, I dispute the whole idea of humor anyway. Humor, in itself, is constructed upon cruelty, so who wants it? Regardless, we have it and thatís all that counts. Besides, how can you tell when somebody has a sense of humor? You canít. Whatís the criteria? The signifier of the rhetoric?"
Oral: "You want to know whatís funny, Bob, your little show. Who hired you in the first place? Bob Slatterby, 50 pounds overweight and as old as gay bashing."
Broadcaster: "I weigh 160 pounds."
Oral: "Umm, yeah, thatís what I said, Fatty Arbuckle."
Broadcaster: "Good night everybody. Join us next week when weíll address the topic of ĎHow Racist, Sexist, and Classist is your university? Until then, Iím Bob Slatterly on cable access station WODD."