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Tom Ouellette

Politically Challenged
By Tom Ouellette
Aug 30, 2004 - 9:30:00 AM

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Summary: I am somewhat baffled by the presidential campaign process.

Ok. I'll admit it. I am politically challenged. This does not mean that I don't have insight into the major issues and problems faced by our country, such as jobs, health care and ' ultra-lite '  beer, but I am somewhat baffled by the presidential campaign process. For those who understand it even less than I do, (say 'The Lost Muskellunge Tribe of Unknown Island'), I will try to explain what I have gleaned about the process through years of painstaking research into syndicated MASH reruns.

First, we have what is known as a 'two party system'. This is a good thing, because no one wants to choose between the lesser of twenty-seven evils; two is quite enough, thank you very much. The two major evils are the Republicans and the Democrats. The Republicans are called 'conservative'. This means that they like big honkin' SUV's, and usually own several. The Democrats are called 'liberal'. This means that they don't like big honkin' SUV's, and usually own several. The candidate currently in office is called the 'cummerbund'. It is incumbent upon the cummerbund to convince the voters that in four years in office he has flown to each state at least once to have dinner.

The opposing party's candidate is called the 'nominal-ee'. It is the job of the nominal-ee to convince the voters that he is the best man for the job, despite the fact that, not long before his fellow candidates 'pledged their full support', they had called him a 'sleazy low-life lying weasel'.

To campaign properly, each candidate must take the 'Loud and Angry Monotone Speech Course'. This is the very same course taken by professional wrestlers, except that the candidates are not required to smack each other in the head with folding chairs to pass the final exam. Doesn't seem fair.

Next comes the debate; which, as any professional wrestler will tell you, is not nearly as entertaining as, say, a one fall no time limit no holds barred folding chair steel cage match.

Let's face it, nothing would cure voter apathy quicker than seeing the candidates swan-dive onto each other from fifteen feet up. What a wonderful world this could be, eh?

Finally, after a spate of negative campaign ads condemning negative campaign ads, election day has arrived. Wondering who's winning?

Hey, no need to stay up late on election day; just get up early. Thanks to the magic of television, you'll see the early results on the morning news after all twenty-six votes are in from Dixville Notch, New Hampshire; a bustling community that opens the polls at 12:01 a.m. and really has its finger on the nation's pulse.

When the final results are in at last, the winning candidate throws a huge party featuring famous acts such as balloons and confetti.

So there it is, in a nutshell, the American election process as I understand it. For the good of the nation, I certainly hope that I am not a typical voter. Perhaps I should have stuck to the growing menace of ultra-lite beer, that threatens to undermine the traditions of our founding fathers, never mind.

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