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Tom Ouellette

Maine-Based Reality TV
By Tom Ouellette
May 22, 2004 - 2:57:00 PM

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I think I've come up with an innovative solution to the state's economic woes. The popularity of 'reality' TV is at an all time high. Maine should take advantage of this consumer trend. We need to get a production company together and start putting out some Maine-based reality shows. We can use proven formulas (i.e., steal ideas) and just give them a Maine slant.

Here are a few possibilities:

  • Fear Factor
    • Maine version - Beer Factor
      • Filmed in a seedy, rowdy Maine bar, contestants drink cheap draft beer until they become obnoxious; first man either thrown out or arrested wins a cheeseburger and/or bail.
  • Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
    • Maine version - Black Eye for the Smart Guy
      • An inevitable spinoff of Beer Factor.
  • Trading Spaces
    • Maine version - Swappin'  Dooryaahds
      • Our crack team of tow-truck drivers secretly moves junked cars from one dooryard to another, and vice-versa. If anyone notices, they win gravel.
  • Who wants to be a Millionaire?
    • Maine version - Who wants to get Laid Off in the Next Major Mill Closing?
      • Winners receive a modest severance package, and a chance to be a contestant on Maine's version of Joe Millionaire, Joe Welfare.
  • Who wants to Marry My Dad?
    • Maine version--Who Wants to Post Bail for Dad?
      • Another obvious spinoff of Beer Factor.
  • Are You Hot?
    • Maine version - Hot 'Nuff for Ya? Alternate title; Some Warm, Ain't It?
      • Contestants must mow a two acre field with a push mower on a muggy, ninety-eight degree day while Maine humorist Gary Crocker follows behind them on a cooler-laden ATV and constantly repeats the show's title while chugging ice-cold beers. Winner gets to dope-slap Channel 5 weatherman Steve McCay.
  • Weakest Link
    • Maine version - Freakin' Stink
      • Contestants spend time working at seafood processing plants, sludge-fertilized farms and chicken barns. All contestants receive a lifetime supply of pine tree air fresheners. Winner gets choice of scents.
  • The Osbournes
    • Maine version - The Baldaccis
      • Cancelled after one episode due to poor ratings.
  • While you Were Out
    • Maine version - While You were Passed Out
      • The third spinoff of Beer Factor. Contestants try to negotiate a lesser charge with the DA. Winner gets reduced bail, and the opportunity to outsmart a drug sniffing dog in a planned sequel called Car Search.
  • Survivor
    • Maine version - Survivor: Maine Legislature
      • Contestants introduce fiscally responsible bills to the House and the Senate. The first contestant that actually gets one passed becomes governer for life.
  • Extreme Makeover
    • Maine version - Extreme DNA
      • Filmed in and around West Athens. Nuff said. (just kiddin', folks!).
  • Amazing Race
    • Maine version - Casino Race
      • The first of a small group of entrepeneurs to actually open a casino in Maine gets the privilege of signing on to the Dirigo Health Plan while it is still voluntary.

Lastly, the fourth and final spinoff of our original hit, Beer Factor; we proudly present Beer Tractor.

Contestants imbibe heavily before attempting to drive a riding lawn mower into an oak tree on their own property (yes folks, this actually happened...). The first contestant that is actually charged with OUI (this happened, too...) gets to give the prosecutor a ' noogie ' (this didn't...) if  acquitted.

As you can see, with little more than a cheap camcorder, a few cases of beer, and some good old fashioned plagiarism, we can solve our economic problems while putting the state back on the map; " Maine. The Way Life Should Be If You Don't Mind Being Around A Bunch Of Schnockered Numbskulls Who Film Each Other Doing Idiotic Things". (OK, I added the last part).

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