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Tom Ouellette

Commander Johnny and the Lost Frantic Airman
By Tom Ouellette
Feb 14, 2004 - 11:13:00 AM

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Big Suburban
(To to tune of "Hot Rod Lincoln")

The Gov said "Son, I'll buy you a bourbon"
"If you'll keep on drivin' my Big Suburban"

Have you heard this story of the Highway Race
Where the Big Suburban was settin' the pace ?
That story is true I'm here to say
I was drivin' that Chevrolet

It's the governor's rig and it's all fixed up
And it's got enough holders for 10 or 12 cups
Holds 40 gallons, uses them all
Takes 3 parkin' spaces at the mall

With a 4-star rating in the ol' Crash Test
It ain't the worst and it ain't the best
It's a little top-heavy, but I ain't scared
On the Rollover test she rated 'Fair'

Pulled out of Augusta early one morn
At the tail-end of a light snowstorm
The governor said "We're late, let's fly !"
We tore down the highway like the road was dry

All of a sudden I was seein' red
Two little taillights up ahead
I had to slow slow down I'm sad to say
That Toyota Camry was in our way

Now the Gov was ribbin' me for bein' behind
And I said "Gov, just never you mind"
I switched our headlights up to 'Bright'
And that little Camry pulled to the right

The flashin' yellow sign said 45
But me and the Gov don't play that jive
Thought I'd have me a little fun
So I wound it on up to 71

Now I ain't one to lose my nerve
But we hit a patch of ice and started to swerve
I forgot all the trainin' they made me take
So I cut the wheel and hit the brake

We sideswiped the Camry and started to skid
The Gov started whinin' like a little kid
My grip on the wheel got tighter and tighter
My poor ol' knuckles got whiter and whiter

We lost control and started to slide
Doin' 360's like a carnival ride
I turned my head to the passenger seat
The gov'nor looked as white as a sheet

The Camry coasted onto the median strip
But we went off the road and started to flip
The Gov was hollerin' for all he was worth
You'd a swore to God he was givin' birth

The airbags deployed, man what a ride !
We came to stop layin' on our side
Sore from our heads down to our toes
Not to mention our bruised egos

The Gov don't worry what people think
And he took me out for a little drink
The Gov said "Son, I'll buy you a bourbon"
"If you'll keep on drivin' my Big...Su...burban"

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