Anyone who knows me well knows I'm not into cooking. It's not that I'm a terrible cook, but you wouldn't confuse me with someone who was good at it. I've never had a culinary interest other than the eating part, and the joy of cooking personally eludes me.

I provide an occasional meal and holiday fare, but day-to-day dinners migrated to my husband long ago. Married thirty-five years this month, one thing I clearly know is that the way to my husband's heart is not through his stomach via my cooking.

Since it's not my cooking nor domestic prowess that's contributed to our three and a half-decades together, what is it? A needle point pillow on a chair in our bedroom captures part of the answer with: "Happiness is being married to your best friend." It's true we are best friends, but there's more to our deepening love than friendship.

Some say a good marriage is like a good casserole or a signature dish of a great cook - only those responsible for it know what goes into it. Over the years, with trial and error, good times and not as good, I've discovered three must-have ingredients in our marriage-casserole recipe.

First, add love to our everyday actions. It's not enough to be in love. Loving relationships don't just thrive, and good marriages are not magic. They happen like most things in life worth having, by every day re-commitment and every day hard work. So we've learned to say "I love you" with our lives. That means our relationship is a priority, and communicating at an authentic level, while painful at times, is a foundation we continually build upon.

Second, remember why we fell in love and committed our lives to each other. So when our anger builds walls instead of bridges, that memory reconnects our hearts. When I can't find the words to say "I'm sorry" because I'm sure it's not my fault, I tap into that place and remember what really matters between us. And when the magic erodes a bit or life's potholes deepen, these are the feelings that rekindle our flame.

Third, help each other bloom by nourishing each others' spirits and supporting each others' dreams. Not just the dreams we have together, but the dreams we have separately. My husband helps me live a best life - not the one he thinks is right for me or better for him, but the one that brings out the music in my soul. And I try to do the same for him.

In the scheme of things, I've come to realize that good marriages are like good cooking. It's not just the recipe or the right ingredients that make the memorable meal; it's the passion and love that goes into the process of creating it. It's with much of both that I wish my husband, Dan, a wonderful anniversary.

(c) 2010 Nan S. Russell.  All Rights Reserved.

Nan S. Russell is the award-winning author of "Hitting Your Stride: Your Work, Your Way." More about Nan and her work can be found at www.nanrussell.com. Author of "Hitting Your Stride: Your Work, Your Way" (Capital Books; January 2008) Sign up to receive Nan's free monthly eColumn at: www.intheschemeofthings.com.