Scheme of Things
Feeling Green
By Nan S. Russell
Feb 2, 2008 - 8:29:24 PM

Recognizing the lump in my chest was not one of congratulations, I stared at the card, brushing my feelings aside as I searched for congratulatory words to craft the note to an acquaintance. But my words were as hallow as my heart, and I put the card away.

Again and again emerging green-eyed thoughts commandeered mine. It's not that I'm immune to feelings of envy and jealously, but they don't often grip me like this. Most of the time, I find joy in others' happiness; excitement in others' success; inspiration in others' lives. Why not now? Why couldn't I be happy for her? What was this about, I wondered?

My resentfulness brewed. Reflective thinking yielded gnawing insights as I recognized the tendrils of self-doubt, insecurity, and not-enoughness enveloping my vision.

I compared my near constant dieting with her ease of perfect weight; my years working to her quick success; my introverted tendencies and social-event discomfort with her magnetic style. Her life appeared carefree and effortless. Mine didn't. "Perhaps that was the envy-kernel," I thought, as I harbored the idea that maybe I'd discover someday her life was challenging after all.

Envy warps our thinking from what we have to what we perceive we don't. We're jealous of what we think we want. We covet the success, accomplishments, and freedom we perceive that others possess. We yearn for our missing attributes, instead of celebrating our gifts and talents. We see someone else's beauty but not our own. The shadow of what we think we don't have shades the view of what we do. And we never see the problems, issues, or challenges in their lives, while ours always confront us.

That's what happened to me. My entangled vision was accurate about her, but it was inaccurate about me and my life. Many might consider my life charmed or one to be envied. And you know what? When I took a closer look, I saw my blessing-filled life.

I would never trade my life for hers, my abilities for hers, my achievements for hers, my uniqueness for hers. My struggles for hers. I realized that my green feelings of envy were not about her at all. They were about me, losing sight of me. I have a wonderful husband, family, and life-style; I have gifts and talents, passion and dreams; I have health, well-being, and a love-filled life What more could I want?

A few weeks later, I wrote that congratulatory note with a sincere and loving heart. In the scheme of things, there was something missing in my life, and those jealous thoughts helped me find it. You see, what was missing was my own appreciation, gratitude and love for my life. What was missing was me seeing what I really have.

(c) 2008 Nan S. Russell.  All Rights Reserved.

Author of Hitting Your Stride: Your Work, Your Way (Capital Books; January 2008). Host of "Work Matters with Nan Russell" weekly on webtalkradio.net. Nan Russell has spent over twenty years in management, most recently with QVC as a Vice President. Sign up to receive Nan's "Winning at Working" tips and insights at http://www.nanrussell.com

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