Jiao Liu

Life in China has it's ups and downs, and they are usually extreme.

This week [1st week of January] I have been busy trying to fill out my Semester Exam reports; no mean feat I can tell you. 

Having lived in China a long time I know what a foreign teacher can expect when he moves to a new school: 'A New way of Doing things'.

Unfortunately it is not as simple as just reading a manual or listening to instructions on what to do. 

Generally speaking one is expected to understand the Chinese 'meaning' in spoken English rather than the 'English' meaning of the same.

But enough of the downside of life in China. 

This evening a lovely Russian girl named Katya came to my apartment with a gift.   Now don't be like that!  Get your mind out of the gutter!  She brought me the photos which you will see in this article. 

Pretty as a picture! She's not bad either!

Katya is a lovely girl who, along with some friends, is studying Chinese at this University.

The purpose of her visit was not just to bring me a copy of the photographs which she and Galia took at the local Television station, but to give me a look at the video which the TV Station had given her.

Katya, you see, together with myself and a Korean teacher named Mr. Kim, were asked by the school to co-operate in the making of a TV program for the local station. 

Named 'Jiao Liu', which means discussion or talking,  it is a locally produced program that deals with lots of local issues.

For this edition, the producers wanted to interview some of the local foreigners. When first asked if I would agree to be interviewed, the fact that I was to be filmed in front of a live audience was simply not mentioned.  Just as well!

Left to Right. Mr. Kim - Galia - Katya - and yours truly.

I didn't even know that there were others involved in the process.  I thought, since I had done this sort of thing before, that a cameraman and an interviewer would turn up at the school, spend 30 minutes filming, and that would be that. Well as it turned out, the three of us were required to go to the TV Station for a discussion with the producer, so that she could determine in a general way, how the program might be conducted and what material could be used.

Oy Ve! Where do they find these clowns?

Once that process was finished, we had to return for the actual filming, and later still we had to be available for a cameraman to take shots of us going about our daily lives.

It was only just before the three of us left campus on the night of the filming, that our school appointed aid, 'Mr. Zhou' - a.k.a. Zhou Haiming, informed us that joining us in the studio would be a couple of bus loads of students.

Once we were in the studio, and without receiving any advice, instruction or prompting whatsoever, I, as the 'first monkey up', or 'first cab off the rank' (whichever expression you like), found myself walking onto the set to be greeted by the presenter.

I bowed, greeted her in Chinese, turned to the audience and greeted them, and then, with 'deliberate nonchalance', sat down on the sofa provided.

Thank heaven that it was a pre-recorded show and was not 'live to air'.

And thankfully when they aired the program they didn't show what happened when I sat down. 

The sofa was picturesque to be sure, but lacked complete substance. As I sat down, I almost ended up doing a backward somersault. 

The sofa cushion, which felt like it was made of thin air, parted for my derriere as my weight invaded it's personal space, and I ended up with my knees up under my chin.  As I leaned back, I discovered that the back of the sofa was located about a kilometre away, and it was all I could do to maintain an upright position. Well as things go, and as is my custom even when not in China, I made a complete ass of myself, much to the delight of everyone in attendance.

Ok! You translate what she said first, then I'll answer. I get it!

We opened with the presenter speaking to me in Chinese, and me telling her that my Chinese was very poor.  Entering stage right, my 'Interpreter' appeared.  And from then on things just got funnier.

Once a jolly swagman camped beside a billabong!

At one point the presenter asked a question and as I commenced to answer, my interpreter said:

'Hey! Wait a moment! I haven't given you the interpretation yet!'

'Oh! Sorry!' I replied with suitable timidity.

I was asked lots of questions and it just seemed to go one forever.  The presenter wanted to know what kind of food I liked and whether I cooked for myself or ate in restaurants.

She wanted to know where I had previously worked, and then wanted to know if I liked Yancheng and would renew my contract when it expired.

That was a tricky question. 

Anyway it was a laugh and when I was finished with the interview, I had to get up and do a song and dance routine.

Naturally I chose the Australian National Anthem: 'Waltzing Mathilda'.  OK!  Had you fooled didn't I?   Waltzing Mathilda is not the Australian National Anthem!  But I couldn't sing 'Advance Australia Fair' if you paid me. Waltzing Mathilda though captures the true heart of Australia. It's all about a man who has no home and no work who lives off the land stealing sheep.  When the cops catch him he commits suicide. It brings tears to the eyes! Truly it does! Anyway, after I finished my own suicidal act, it was a case of "Exit Center stage".

Enter Center Stage: Katya!

Wo dong yi dian dian! I understand just a little!

I guess I don't have to describe her. Just take a look at her.  If you think that your eyes went wide, imagine the poor unsuspecting Chinese!

Katya's  questions all seemed to be about whether or not she would stay in China when her studies were finished, and about whether or not she had or would like to have a Chinese boyfriend; and whether she would consider  marrying a local boy if she fell in love with one.

Poor girl!  She sat and squirmed and tried to be congenial, but some of the questioning made her uncomfortable and at one point she even said: 'Next Question!'

Katya by the way, speaks English. 

She Speaks it a hell of a lot better now than when she first came to China. 

I joked with her this evening that once she perfects her English, she might want to go to Australia and learn Chinese.  Private Joke! 

Katya cathing flys! Hey her friend Galia took this photo.

It is not actually easy for foreigners to find people with whom they can speak in Chinese, because most Chinese that will speak with you, only want to speak in English.  Enough said!

As Katya and I watched the broadcast on video this evening, we were both sqirming over our performances.

Apart from holding a microphone, you forget that you are being captured on film, and when you see yourself played back later, it can really make you think: 'Why oh why did I do that?'

Katya kept saying over and over again, 'Look at my hands!'

'I didn't know I was waving them all over the place like that!'  Actually she said: I didn't know dat I vas vayving dem ol over der plaz like dat!'.  Cute accent she has!

Oh my God! Did I really say that?

As I have already said, we did spend time discussing our lives with the producer 2 days prior to the taping of the show, but until we arrived for the shoot, we had no idea what was going to happen.

Upon arrival at the studio on the night of the taping, we were given a list of  questions that we might be asked, but who had the time to really study it and really nut out our answers.

We were handed the papers and immediately ushered into the studio.

It was a little awe inspiring to say the least, and we really didn't have the time or inclination to put our heads down and study our questions. Like everyone else we were watching what was going on.

The TV magnate in the making. Katya in the control room at the TV Station.

Once we were on the stage fronting all those people, we were just going with the flow.  No wonder then as Katya and I sat watching the video that we kept putting our heads down saying: 'oh God!  Oh God!  Did I really do that?  Did I really say that?' 

Oh Well!  You live and you learn.

Enter Stage Left:  Mr. Kim.

Mr. Kim. No translator necessary!

Mr. Kim was the lucky one of the three of us.  Firstly he had done a show the previous year in Yancheng, and secondly, he can really speak Chinese.

Mr Kim has a very nice voice, a fact he displayed at our Christmas dinner with the School President.

Mr. Kim is a fascinating guy who has been in China for 10 years. 

He studied Chinese for 6 years before that and perfected the language here. 

Eventually his wife, who currently works in Shanghai, and his two sons, who go to school here, joined him in China.

He sent his two boys who are now in their late teens, to a Chinese school in the countryside for two years so that they could learn the language in a normal environment.

During our initial interview with the producer, he found our anecdotes about life in China quite interesting.

He told us that  our 'round eyed' experiences were fascinating to him because as an Asian, no one pays any attention to him.

Everyone simply assumes that he is Chinese.  'Oh how we 'round eyes' could do with that anonymity sometimes'.

When his interview was over, he also did a little Chinese singing.  Unfortunately, the final version of the show only had audio of his song for about 10 seconds, and then they played a professional version over it and ran the credits.  Another 'That's life!' situation.

Our Mr. Kim! Speaks Chinese, Korean and English.

The Invisible Foreigner in Winter

The show was a huge success apparently, and I certainly receive a lot more attention in the neighbourhood these days, especially since the locals heard me on TV answering questions in Chinese.

The funniest thing to come out of the performance, was my subsequent encounter with a local shopkeeper who raced out on the street to 'tell me off'. 

As I have said many times in previous articles, sometimes, the attention you receive, drives you to distraction. The most frequent and annoying interruption to a foreigner's life is constantly hearing people referring to the 'Laowai' - the Foreigner.

This time of year though is a great time to go unnoticed. Winter time is the best time for being invisible in China.  On these cold nights you can walk around the streets with you head and face covered.  Rarely does anyone look directly at you. Since no one can see you, you don't have to put up with the stares, the 'hellos!' or the 'Laowai!'

Ni shuo shenme? What did you say?

Because I don't speak standard Mandarin, and I know that my 'countryside' accent throws Chinese people off, sometimes, when people refer to me as 'laowai', I will turn around and tell them that I am actually Chinese, and that I come from the Muslim province of Xinjiang. Quite often, people will apologize to me.  Some have even said:

• 'You look like a foreigner, but you sound Chinese. You don't sound like a foreigner. I have never seen a Xinjiang person who looked like you though!'

Katya! Don't you dare put out my Cigarette!

So, back to the encounter with the shopkeeper.  I had obviously told her that I was from Xinjiang, because a few nights after the TV program aired, she came running into the street and shouted:

• 'You are not Chinese!  I saw you on the TV.  You said that you are from Australia!  Now I know you lied to me!  You are not from Xinjiang! You are a foreigner!'. 

 Ah!  The simple pleasures of life.

Well that's it folks.  Just another day in the lives of three people from three different countries struggling to live in a foreign land.

Additional Photos:

Great man! Truly is!

From Russia with Love!

Yes of course I find Chinese men Attractive!

R.P.BenDedek

Email: rpbendedek@kingscalendar.com

R.P.BenDedek is the pseudonym of the Author of 'The King's Calendar: The Secret of Qumran' ( http://www.kingscalendar.com/ ), and is a guest columnist at Magic City Morning Star News. An Australian, he currently teaches Conversational English in China.

Stories from China at Magic City

"The King's Calendar" is a chronological study of the historical books of the Bible (Kings and Chronicles), Josephus, Seder Olam Rabbah, and the (Essene) Damascus Document of The Dead Sea Scrolls.