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R.P. BenDedek

Finding Myself in China: Chapter 18
By R.P. BenDedek
Oct 6, 2013 - 12:15:11 AM

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Excerpt from Chapter 18

Relationships: Control and Dependency.

We are all aware that within divorce there is scope for children to play parents off against each other. In such a scenario it is the child who is in control and the parents who are dependent on their child. We are also aware that some parents use the kids to control the ex-spouse and that ex-spouse in turn is dependent on both the other ex-spouse and the kids. Such issues are clear and straightforward. There are however issues of control and dependency that are not so clear and perhaps never consciously considered by people in their various relationships.

.................By 2007, during over four years of living in China, I had rediscovered my 'self worth.' I was no longer 'subject to' other people's personal emotional issues nor to my own. I had a life! I enjoyed my life! But I did not enjoy going home to Australia to walk on eggshells. Although it was my intention to go home in the summer of 2007, the only reason I had to do so was that 'it was expected of me'. My children's concept of 'family' did not usually include me (especially so since I lived abroad), but they did feel that they were entitled to express certain things to the father who 'had abandoned them,' but this father never seemed to have a right of reply.

Our society seems to breed a 'victim mentality' and many people like to portray themselves as victims. When you look more closely at 'alleged' victims however, sometimes you have to wonder about the mentality or philosophy of certain victims.

............Sometimes however, children and their absent parents grow apart in quite the same way as children living with their parents can grow apart from them. Children have their friends, their interests and their sports and other activities, which, especially in the case of the 'absent parent,' results in an emotional distancing. Children through their teenage years simply grow apart from the absent parent because they see less of them. Perhaps in later life they regret that it happened, but they can hardly be blamed for simply having been normal children.

..........After I had been in China just a year, I already knew that I did not want to return to Australia to live, and so sent all my kids an email which said something to the effect that they were all adults now and could think, say and do whatever they pleased, and if people didn't like it, then that was too bad. At that time, I also told them that I was also an adult with exactly the same rights. Though I meant it and believed it, I never actually lived it. It may have taken me longer to arrive at the destination than they did, but now we are all at the same place. We all have our individual thoughts, opinions, beliefs and lives and we all have genuine relationships with others which allows them to live their own lives as they see fit.

Many people feel the need to 'control' others. Many people need to have others 'dependant' upon them. But controllers too are dependent upon the submission of those they seek to control. Personally I don't wish to control or be controlled. I don't want to manipulate or be manipulated. I don't mind superficial relationships with people on the periphery of my life, but I certainly don't want to pretend that I'm part of the 'in crowd' when actually they keep me on the outside. I will let the other person define the relationship and relate accordingly - except when the definition is fraudulent. There is great joy to be had when we accept others for who they are and not what we think they should be. How nice it is to spend time with people because we want to - not because we have to.

Issues of control and dependency pervade all societies and it is the issue of control with which I take exception in Political Correctness doctrine. That is why throughout this book I keep coming back to the topic of political correctness, because it constitutes abuse of society. There is always an emotional aspect to abuse of any kind. When we feel controlled by others or are emotionally dependent on others, we are not in a healthy emotional place. All of us need to find a healthy place to live. My life in China has been better than bathing in Lourdes. I want neither to hate nor be hated; neither to abuse nor to be abused. I am content to let others define our relationship. All I ask is that people treat me as they would like me to treat them. That, after all, is what both the New Testament and Political Correctness teach.

Given that the Australian winter would probably be hotter for me than the Chinese summer in 2007 when I angered my kids, I decided not to return to Australia and that required that I come to some decision as to what I would do during my two month vacation.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: November 2014

  • As mentioned on the Chapters as Published: Finding Myself in China page, the original contents of these pages has been removed leaving an excerpt. Chapter numbers as they appear at Magic City are no longer correct within the current draft of the book. There has also been a lot of editing in the areas of grammar, additional stories and rewording of stories. Nevertheless I hope you have enjoyed what you have seen and will consider buying the book when it becomes available.

R.P. BenDedek
Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com

Writers Journal Kingscalendar

2013 Social Commentary Articles

The Dysfunction in the Religion of Peace by R.P. BenDedek
By R.P. BenDedek
September 28, 2013

Muslim belief is that ultimately everything is Allah's will. Whether they approve or disapprove of the Kenyan massacres is irrelevant. It is Allah's will! Whether ordinary Muslims approve or disapprove of those terrorists is irrelevant. It is Allah's will! Whatever a Muslim may say with his lips, his true meaning is hidden in the back of his mind. It is Allah's will! Every Muslim, like every other true believer in every other religion, dreams of seeing the world converted to their god. For the Muslim therefore, every action that leads to the defeat or conversion of the infidel must be Allah's will.

Giving the Finger to Comrade GOOGLE's brand of Communism
By Comrade R.P. BenDedek
August 26, 2013

I have come to the decision that the only thing I can do is take a page out of Comrade Google's 'Little Red Book' and say: 'Screw You!' Comrade Google didn't like the way the Communist Government of China kept changing the rules. Comrade Google would not submit to a 'totalitarian authority'. Comrade Google decided to pull up stakes and leave. Is there a lesson to be learned in that?

Learning to Hate The U.S.A.
by R.P. BenDedek
August 11, 2013

American Education is actively turning young Americans into terrorists. The speaker is Brigitte Gabriel (pseudonym), a Lebanese American journalist, author, and activist. Within the video she produces documents which purport that despite so called separation of State and Church, Islam is being introduced to school children at school, and via injection of big dollars into universities all over the USA, Students are being taught to hate the USA.


R.P.BenDedek (pseudonym) is the Author of 'The King's Calendar: The Secret of Qumran' (
http://www.kingscalendar.com ), and is a guest columnist and stand-in Editor at Magic City Morning Star News. He is also the Editor of the 'Writers Journal' at Kingscalendar.com. An Australian, he has been teaching Conversational English in China since 2003.

Writers Journal Kingscalendar

"The King's Calendar" is a chronological study of the historical books of the Bible (Kings and Chronicles), Josephus, Seder Olam Rabbah, and the (Essene) Damascus Document of The Dead Sea Scrolls


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