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From Magic City Morning Star R.P. BenDedek
Chapter 16 Summer of 2007 (July-Aug), I was supposed to go back to Australia to visit my family. Since I had arrived in China, I had been back in Summer of 2003, Winter of 2004 and 2005, and then in 2006 I went back for one week for my youngest daughter's wedding. As Summer of 2007 approached, my children began asking me for details about the trip, but although I had every intention of going back, I did not actually want to. When I was home in 2004, I found myself looking forward to my return to China. In 2005 however, I experienced more than just a 'looking forward' to returning to China. I felt 'trapped' in Australia; confined by my flight schedule. I couldn't wait to 'go home'. When my daughter got married in 2006, she deliberately timed the event so that I would be free to travel. (My eldest son and I both missed his brother's wedding when the date was shifted, because at that time we were both teaching in China). Whilst I was glad to go to my daughter's wedding, I really had had no desire to go back to Australia. And so it was that as Summer of 2007 approached, I became more and more troubled by the prospect of returning home. Sensing my reluctance, my youngest got stuck into me in an email, and then I used that email and its content, to have a full-on fight with all of my kids. "Why?" you ask. The simplest answer, but hardly a revelatory one, is that, as the title of this book indicates, 'I had found myself!' In finding myself, I was no longer interested in having a superficial relationship with the life that belonged to my 'former' self. Let me explain. I have been married twice, but all of my children are the issue of my first marriage. Most divorces do not leave people happy! They may give some people relief, but divorce is not a happy thing, and the ongoing consequences of it are like a cancer that remains unseen until sickness necessitates a search for the source of the pain. Divorce puts everyone into an artificial environment. The definition of 'family', has to be redefined, and sometimes that definition requires compartmentalizing. For example: When the 'family' gets together for Sunday lunch, what constitutes 'family'? Christmas time, the family gets together twice to celebrate Christmas, but the composition of 'family' is not the same both times. One can say that 'it is always the children who suffer', but that is an oversimplification. Whole extended families suffer. Many relationships suffer. Many topics and issues become 'taboo'. The number of problems that can arise out of divorce can range from the minor to the most devastating. One can never truly anticipate the consequences. Likewise with staying in a marriage that is no good. Given that what I am now writing, involves real people in real situations, the last thing I want to do is cause pain. I also have no desire to 'point the finger'. But given that this book is about 'finding myself', I must make some attempt to explain not only what happened in Summer of 2007, but why it was necessary. I had deliberately set out to upset my kids. And I succeeded. And it took them sometime to realize that a very substantial change had occurred in our relationship. That change, to put it simply, was that I no longer "needed" them. Relationships: Control and Dependency. Every relationship involves to some degree and at various times, issues of both 'control' and 'dependency'. A rebellious child might want to buck the parent's control. We know that they depend on us, and we know we are responsible for them. So we ourselves are 'controlled' by society, moral values and law, to ensure that our children are cared for. An older teenager may consider that they want to be free of a parent's control, but are hampered by their awareness of their own dependency upon the parent. On the other hand, feeling that they are no longer dependent on the parent, they may seek to break parental control. We are all aware that within divorce, there is scope for children to play parents off against each other. In such a scenario, it is the child who is in control and the parents who are dependent on their child. We are also aware that some parents use the kids to control the ex-spouse, who in turn is dependent on both the ex-spouse and the kids. Such issues are clear and straightforward. There are however issues of control and dependency that are not so clear and perhaps never consciously considered by people in their various relationships. Anger resulting from a sense of abandonment, or resentment because of a circumstance or a lost opportunity, can lead a person to 'withhold' love and acceptance as a weapon of punishment and / or control. In short, sometimes people who have a 'bee in their bonnet' about us, may feel that because they have suffered or are suffering some emotional pain, they have a right to 'dump on us'. Within the context of divorce, 'both parents' can find themselves being dumped on by their kids. Mostly it is nothing more than childish 'tit for tat', or tantrum throwing. But like everything in life, a pattern can begin to develop that changes the occasional 'one off' event, into a 'way of life'. Now as I have said, it is not my intention to do any finger pointing. I am merely explaining my 'self'. As I indicated in Chapter One, by the time I came to China, I was already planning my own death. That is the defining statement of this situation. That was me before I came to China. I was sick of living. I was sick of being in a 'double bind' (no win situation). I was sick of being in trouble when I spoke and of being in trouble when I didn't. I was sick of 'walking on eggshells', waiting to see who I would upset. I was sick of people thinking that they had a right to say what they pleased but that I had no such right. By 2007, during over four years of living in China, I had rediscovered my 'self worth'. I was no longer subject to other people's personal emotional issues. I had a life! I enjoyed my life! But I did not enjoy going home to Australia to walk on eggshells. That is where I was at in 2007. I was intending to go home, for no other reason than that it was expected of me. My children's concept of 'family' demanded that I be there, at least from time to time. In fact, by 2007 it had become more than that. I was being questioned as to why I did not simply return to Australia to live. How could I answer such a question? Because I did not believe that it would be a useful exercise to sit down with my kids and explain how I felt about my relationship with them, I decided that 'blunt trauma' was probably the best way to go. After all, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Well I won't bore you with all the details, but it was messy. Naturally there were the expected tantrums, the accusations, the 'cutting off the nose to spite the face', and the 'tit for tats'. Others might have been really upset by what my kids wrote, but I spent my energies examining what they were really saying. This after all was my purpose. To get them so angry that they would hold nothing back. No more game playing, no more 'keeping the peace', and no more evasive answers. The truth! Well I am not going to give you any juicy tidbits to dwell on but this one thing. Two of my children quite bluntly informed me that I was at risk of losing my family because of both my 'email' behaviour, and my refusal to return home to Australia to live. One went so far as to lay down some rules and regulations - 'setting boundaries'. I have to tell you that that shocked me! I quickly wrote back and said something along the lines of: 'I must apologize! It seems that I have given you the wrong impression. It seems that you have all misunderstood me. So let me make it clear. I am not interested in coming home. I am not interested in having a relationship with you all. I am happy. I have a life. I merely wanted to give you all the opportunity to come out from behind the facades and tell me exactly what you think of me. I don't want to play this 'let's pretend that we all get along together' game.' And of course - I did not go home. This back and forth of emails did not take place in the space of one day or even one month. It went on for quite sometime. With each email I sent, I made myself more and more clear. In all, I guess it took from about May of 2007 to June of 2008 to work itself out. I did not (I don't think), demand that my children change their thoughts and opinions on a variety of topics, and nor did I lay down any laws that I expect them to abide by. What I wanted was to ditch the facade that I had to wear every time I was around them. One told me that if I was wearing a facade then that was my problem. And I don't disagree! But that is what I have been writing about: 'Finding myself'. I could care less what people think I should have done or could have done to solve my problem with my kids. The reality is that I reached an impasse. Having finally found a life to live, that life did not include them. More importantly, the relationship I did have with them did not merit spending time and money in Australia. It was my problem! It was for me to solve! The potential consequences were my responsibility! In 2008 I went home for a month, and I can honestly say, that I couldn't remember when I had enjoyed their company so much. When it came time to return to China, I wished I could have stayed longer in Australia. Although I was unable to go home again in (Northern) Summer of 2009, I did return in January 2010. I stayed for a month. During that period I spent some individual time with my kids, and I can say that I am glad now that I did what I did. I remember one night at my youngest daughter's house, her husband and I were talking and she began to interject. 'Family is Family!' she said. To which I replied: 'Yes! You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family - but at least you can pick which country to live in to get away from them!' She looked at me and laughed! During my last conversation with my eldest daughter, she was talking about a certain family situation and how that sometimes she wishes she could just pack up and go back to New Zealand to live. I looked at her and laughed. 'I know that feeling!' I said. She looked over at me and laughed. It's wonderful now. We understand each other! It doesn't mean we must agree with each other, but we do understand each other. They know that I will not hold back my thoughts if I think that they are pushing me too hard, and I accept that whatever they say, it is not meant as a personal attack. After I had been in China just a year, I already knew that I did not want to return to Australia to live, and so sent all my kids an email which said something to the effect that they were all adults now and could think, say and do whatever they pleased, and if people didn't like it, then that was too bad. At that time, I also told them that I was also an adult with exactly the same rights. Though I meant it, and believed it, I never actually lived it. It may have taken me longer to arrive at the destination than they did, but now we are all at the same place. We all have our individual thoughts, opinions, beliefs and lives and we have genuine relationships with others that allows them to live their own lives as they see fit. So often we want to control people. We ourselves, the controllers, are in fact dependent on others being in our control. But Oh what joy there is to be had when we accept others for who they are and not what we think they should be. How nice it is to spend time with people because you want to - not because you have to. Chapter Post Script: Issues of control and dependency pervade society at large, and very specifically here in China. Throughout this book there are numerous points at which I discuss the abuse of society by political correctness activists. There is always an emotional aspect to abuse of any kind. At KingsCalendar.com I have published a two part article on the issue of Emotional abuse. Part A deals with the political aspect of abuse, and Part B deals with Emotional Abuse in personal relationships. Whether or not one is, from a clinical perspective, a victim of emotional abuse, the reality is that when we feel controlled by others, or are emotionally dependent on others, we are not in a healthy emotional place. All of us need to find a healthy place to live. Photographic Articles relating to Australia
R.P. BenDedek Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com Hardcover Publishing inquiries welcomed! R.P. BenDedek is the pseudonym of an Australian who has been teaching in China since 2003. He currently lives in Baotou in Inner Mongolia. In addition to contributing to Magic City Morning Star News as a columnist, he also is an assisting Editor for the Newspaper. Additionally, BenDedek is the author of 'The King's Calendar: The Secret of Qumran' at www.kingscalendar.com © Copyright 2002-2008 by Magic City Morning Star |