About the Title:
The Title "Finding Myself in China" is a play on words, because from February of 2003 when I came to China with the purpose of staying just one year, until August 2007 when I commenced to write the first draft of this book, I have literally 'found myself'. These past 7 years have returned to me my joy of living and gone now are my previous feelings that my life really had no purpose. Having found myself in China, I found myself!
Excerpt from Chapter 1 : Preparing for Death.
What an ominous and morbid choice of Title for the First Chapter of a Book, and yet, although I chose the title with a special thought in mind, once written, I saw how appropriate it is in discussing my life....
All people are affected by the death of a loved one, but my Mother's death had an unforeseen impact upon me, one that became totally intolerable, and it all had to do with repressed memories.
My brother's death in 1965 deeply affected me, and the trauma virtually erased all memory of my childhood. For many years it disturbed me that I really could not remember anything from those early years, and those things which I did see in my mind, appeared as black and white 'still photographs'. I could never be sure if they were real memories or something I had seen in a photo.
After my mother died, I began to have vivid recollections in both color and black & white, and in both 'still photographs' and 'moving film', of people, places and events in my childhood. I would have them while both awake and asleep. When awake, there were so many things that triggered memories; from music, to paintings, to the smell of flowers or a women's perfume. Whilst at first I reveled in all these memories that seemed so clear, it did not take long to realize that my life was becoming a living hell.
Being divorced, for many years I had hung around in the background of my children's lives, just to be there if they needed me. By 2001 when my mother died, I was acutely aware of the fact that my relationship with my kids was pretty much artificial. Everything went smoothly as long as I never did or said anything to upset them or their mother. I constantly felt that I was in a 'no win' situation: damned if I did or said something and damned if I didn't.
The living hell that I found myself in after my mother died, was not just the result of remembering my childhood, or that any of my memories contained anything untoward, but rather because I felt myself overwhelmed with a sense of having lost both my past and my future. I felt as though I had not only lost my loved ones to death, but had also lost my children to life. Although I still had 2 brothers and a sister, I felt so totally lost and alone. I felt robbed of both past and future.
Well as one would expect, I spiraled into depression. At first the dreams were just wonderful, but then I began waking up from those wonderful dreams feeling totally depressed. Then I began to feel the depression whilst dreaming, and often woke up crying. When I could stand it no longer, I saw my doctor about giving me depression medication. Because I have always been supersensitive to drugs and alcohol, the medication she gave me was too strong, and I was advised to reduce the intake of it, after which time, the tablets began to mount up. As I kept looking at the stockpiled medication, I realized that if I saved enough, that it would be easy to commit suicide. That then became my plan.
But first things first! I needed to finish the last couple of chapters of my book - 'The KingsCalendar: The Secret of Qumran'. I had been researching and writing for ten full years and was sick of it. I couldn't walk away from the book, and nor did I ever seem to find the time to finish it. When my share of the inheritance came through, I paid off all my bills, and with a shove from my most recent boss, (She shoved me only moments before I was going to give her the flick), I said goodbye to employment. Within three months I had finished the final first draft. Less than two weeks after accomplishing that task, I was down at the casino, and won the random jackpot and suddenly became $80,000 richer.
Given that it seemed a waste to kill myself before enjoying the money, I spent the next year both travelling and rewriting my research results. At the end of the year upon my return from Europe, I found my brother back in Australia receiving some medical treatment, and he asked if he could stay with me. He kept on at me about the need for me to stop spending money or else I would have to go back to work. Little did he realize that I intended to spend all my money and then vacate my aging body. He did his best to talk me into going to China. I was just not interested. A week before he was due to fly, I did the unthinkable! I went over to the casino and won the random jackpot again, only this time it was closer to $90,000. "What the hell!" I thought. What's another year? So off I went to China! 2003 - 2004
Writers Journal Kingscalendar
2013 Social Commentary Articles
Giving the Finger to Comrade GOOGLE's brand of Communism
By Comrade R.P. BenDedek
August 26, 2013
I have come to the decision that the only thing I can do is take a page out of Comrade Google's 'Little Red Book' and say: 'Screw You!' Comrade Google didn't like the way the Communist Government of China kept changing the rules. Comrade Google would not submit to a 'totalitarian authority'. Comrade Google decided to pull up stakes and leave. Is there a lesson to be learned in that?
Pathological Blindness of Political Correctness
Aug 23, 2013
Here are excerpts from three different articles which all portray symptoms of PC induced pathological blindness. The forces pushing Islam (not to be confused with Muslims practicing Islam) have only one goal which has been stated over and over again by many people in many places at many different times: "To turn the world to Islam" (and destroy the Big Satan - The USA - in the process.)
Get rid of your Baggage People
Aug 21, 2013
Einstein is purported to have said: 'Insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result'. The 'pastors' I mentioned above, were real people; people who did their best to get me to believe and do as they did. In each of those cases 'prior to being caught out in their sins', each of those pastors spoke ill of me, slandered me and did their best to control and manipulate people I knew. They did me a lot of injury and caused me a lot of grief.
Terrorism the Media doesn't want to report on
by R.P. BenDedek et al.
August 13, 2006
Every time Israel takes action against Hamas in Gaza and starts blowing up tunnels, the 'western activists' start gushing tears from their eyes and blood from their hearts. The purpose here today is simply to provide information to counter the irrationality of 'agenda driven' activists who seek to control the emotions and minds of the silent and somewhat mindless majority. I am still 8 years old, hospitalized in critical condition. Screaming from pain. Bandaged from head to toe. And my head is not the same. No longer full of golden long hair. The head is burnt. The face, back, the legs and arms, burnt. I am surrounded by family members, but my mother is not with me.
Learning to Hate The U.S.A.
by R.P. BenDedek
August 11, 2013
American Education is actively turning young Americans into terrorists. The speaker is Brigitte Gabriel (pseudonym), a Lebanese American journalist, author, and activist. Within the video she produces documents which purport that despite so called separation of State and Church, Islam is being introduced to school children at school, and via injection of big dollars into universities all over the USA, Students are being taught to hate the USA.
Political Islam is full of hypocrisy and lies
by R.P. BenDedek
August 11, 2013
Politicians care only for themselves and nothing for the truth unless it suits their purposes. What they do call truth is usually nothing but lies! The general population - never seem to notice when radicals of all nationalities, religions and persuasions turn to 'ad hominems' rather than to logical debate when someone disagrees with them. The honest man will argue his point honestly. The perverted man ignores the argument and attacks the man (ad hominem) as though truth is not found in discovering and weighing the evidence and facts but in the character and 'Politically Correct Nature' of the person speaking them.
R.P.BenDedek (pseudonym) is the Author of 'The King's Calendar: The Secret of Qumran' (http://www.kingscalendar.com ), and is a guest columnist and stand-in Editor at Magic City Morning Star News. He is also the Editor of the 'Writers Journal' at Kingscalendar.com. An Australian, he has been teaching Conversational English in China since 2003.
Writers Journal Kingscalendar
"The King's Calendar" is a chronological study of the historical books of the Bible (Kings and Chronicles), Josephus, Seder Olam Rabbah, and the (Essene) Damascus Document of The Dead Sea Scrolls