Well, Easter and Passover have all but come and gone, and I am finally sitting down to write.  Seeing the slim pickings over the last week at Magic City, I had thought it would have been a good time to write; rather like a captive audience situation, but in fact I just haven't been able to.  I have had the worst week in ages.

I won't bore you with the details, because it would only result in a backlash of accusations that I am racist and politically incorrect, but suffice it to say, I have not been a happy chappy.

I went to class on Friday to give my seniors their final exam, and rather than being so glad that this was the last time I would have to look at them, I was verging on the 'give me a gun' type of emotional collapse. Rather than smiling and letting them get on with the exam, I just had to say something nasty so I said:

'Your exam results are already decided, but if you would like more than 80%, kindly do your own writing in this Open Book exam. If I see that you have done your own work rather than copying and pasting from the Textbook, I will actually read it and perhaps give you a real mark'. (I have only had them for 8 weeks and none of us wanted to be there.)

So anyway, as if I hadn't been feeling bad enough, Saturday night I had to go to a dinner that I had been conned into, and that I did not want to attend. Much to my surprise, I had a wonderful time, but Murphy's law being what it is, that euphoria could not last.

I have apparently become sufficiently chummy with a foreigner, that she finally decided that it is OK to blast the crap out of me for saying something she didn't like. Not once mind you - but twice. Took the edge off a little.  I certainly didn't mean anything by my remarks.

So on my way home, I stopped to buy some apples and saw that they were selling popcorn, and purchased a tub of it to give to my neighbour. For some reason that made her cry and her 'Nevermind!' to my enquiry as to why she was crying, left me feeling that once again I am as thick as two bricks. 

My psychologist told me once that I was genius prone. You know what that is don't you?  I am so bright on some things but can't even remember my name at times.

That is not literary licence by the way, cause I have done it many times. The worst was when I went into my bank to make some enquiries and the attendant finally said: 'And what is your name sir?' A total Blank!  I actually had to open my bank book to find out! And that was in the days when I only had one name.  Now I have four.

I once went to introduce my first wife, but couldn't remember her name. I once gave my second wife a comediennes surname because they both had the same first name.  I once baffled my family because I couldn't remember my cousin's family name - you guessed it - same as mine.

There are times when I am totally clueless!

So anyway, I finally made it to my apartment last night, watched a movie, and hit the sack. I woke up this morning feeling great, and sent off a letter to someone whose reply took me back. I had to go back and re-read what I had written because for the life of me I couldn't understand why this guy was so cheesed off with me.  Hey but that's ok. I'm not going to let these crappy feelings get me down again.

Then a friend got on msn to chat with me about his thesis, and finally and abruptly ditched the conversation. It was so unusual that I went back to read our conversation and then realised that he thought that I was not paying attention to what he had written. In fact I had and was explaining something by extrapolating lessons from my crappy week.

So within 24 hours, I had twice made one woman angry enough to abuse me; made another cry and was too dense to know why; upset someone that I thought I was paying a compliment to; and so cheesed off my best friend that he ditched me online.

So I am walking around thinking: 'Bloody Hell!  I no sooner shake the blues and everyone wants a piece of me!  I'm going out to eat worms!'

But then I got to thinking about it! Maybe everyone is suffering and I had been oblivious to it! How many people are there out there who are suffering and the people they hope will cheer them up - don't!

How many times do we bite the head off someone who is just being their usual self, because we can't take our pain anymore, or because we are so down that we actually expect everyone to put the boot into us?

And then of course, maybe sometimes we just get tired of being the one who has to wear crap instead of dishing it out! 'You should think about MY feelings!' How often do we hear that? And then again, how often do those same people tell us that we are too sensitive?

So here it is, a time of year when most people are enjoying a holiday, and I'm wondering why everything in my life keeps turning to crap. But it turns out that it is a good time to think about such matters. Right now, it is Christian Easter and Jewish passover, both of which celebrate a time of deliverance and resurrection! A time to be free of our faults, failings and futility! A time to be free of enslavement!

It's hard to be happy and carefree when your life is bogged down by the daily grind! It's hard to be high spirited when you are getting whipped! It's hard to be a social butterfly when you have no freedom to be yourself and pursue your dreams!

But you know, sometimes you have to go through the depths of the sea and cross a wilderness before you come into the promised land, and even then the Milk and Honey don't always flow as freely or as easily as we would like.

Gumpy's mum had it wrong when she said life is like a box of chocolates! Sometimes it is just a lump of stale cake! Yet even on stale cake one can sustain their life and find energy to go on!

Christians and Jews at this time of year must remember that death comes before resurrection and slavery must be endured before freedom comes.

For myself: I know that my life of late has been pretty crappy, but that's no reason to make someone else's life the same, and even if I have by accident done that, I must leave it in the past. I don't want to be enslaved by my own guilt and misery yet once again. I cherish my freedom!

It's time to let go of the hurting feelings and find joy again!

R.P.BenDedek

Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com

www.kingscalendar.com

P.S. I may have been hormonally imbalanced while writing this article. I shall endeavour to once again become politically incorrect as soon as possible.  In the meantime: Enjoy!