Laura on Life Ordinary Parents
The problem seems to be that kids have trouble accepting that their parents are human. Parents are not the superheroes of their children's elementary years any longer. By middle school, this fact is slowly asserting itself into their little brains. Their parents have faults and issues like everyone else - surprise! Because the idol worship is being replaced by reason, the parents inevitably fall off the pedestal they were unknowingly placed upon and become... ordinary.
Oct 3, 2012 - 6:00:49 AM
Laura on Life A Science Family
Our family is a science family. Our house looks like any other from the outside, but inside, you will not see posters of quarterbacks throwing a football or paint brushes in the silverware drawer. In fact, if you're squeamish, you might not even want to visit.
Sep 26, 2012 - 7:16:50 AM
Laura on Life My 700th
This is my 700th column. Yes, I number them for no other reason than they are easier to find on my computer.
Sep 19, 2012 - 12:17:38 AM
Laura on Life Fruit Loops
The pear and apple trees looked on the proceedings with fright, I'm sure, but I gave them a pep talk by explaining that if they acted like the peach tree, the same thing would happen to them.
Sep 12, 2012 - 12:45:11 AM
Laura on Life Spoon-feeding Grammar and Vegetables Mom (frustrated): "Son, stop. Let's start at the beginning. The sentence is 'Eat fruit or vegetables at every meal.' It doesn't specify who is to eat the fruits and vegetables, so we must assume it is 'you.'" Son: "Leave me outta this!"
Sep 5, 2012 - 5:20:33 AM
Laura on Life I'm Going To Miss Him
...Then he met Lizzie. Lizzie was a selfish, self-absorbed witch whose only goal in life was to get pregnant and raise another selfish, self-absorbed witch. Marriage wasn't necessarily in her plan, but she would need a man, at least temporarily. It was her idea that my son should quit college and enlist in the army because then, of course, she and her baby could live on his paycheck without having him underfoot. My son thought the army was a splendid idea.
Aug 30, 2012 - 12:13:43 AM
Laura on Life The People in The Picture
The people in that picture frame had no idea what they were getting into, thank goodness. They were the picture of bliss. And ignorance.
Aug 24, 2012 - 1:10:08 AM
Laura on Life Mom For President!
Much of the waste in this country can be attributed to the "pork" that goes into every bill that is finally passed. Many Senators won't vote for a bill unless he or she gets some pet project paid for on the same bill. The writer of the bill will make that deal with the devil because he or she knows that the bill will not pass without those votes. That's called pork... and blackmail. It should be illegal.
Aug 15, 2012 - 12:20:45 AM
Laura on Life Voyage of Discovery
There are people who refuse to own the typical family vehicle, even though it is the most practical by far. Refusing to own one, however, doesn't change the inside of whatever vehicle they decided was cooler. It will look exactly like my minivan after my children have christened it.
Aug 8, 2012 - 8:16:53 AM
Laura on Life A Ride On The Wild Side
"Let's just say that of all the ways an apocalypse could occur, a zombie invasion would be the least likely, statistically speaking. So, no, I'm not worried, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to stop you from completing your hypothesis on zombie infections... carry on, son.
Jul 30, 2012 - 11:13:25 PM
Laura on Life What To Do When It's Hot
Some are living in their basements, others start their cars 10 minutes before they have to leave their basement. Some people get a few good books and hunker down in an air conditioned room, and some go out jogging because... well... I don't know why anyone would be so dumb. It is unlikely that heat stroke is on their bucket list, but any other answer eludes me.
Jul 25, 2012 - 12:10:32 AM
Laura on Life No Pain, No Gain
They are saying, "It's going to hurt unless you do it more... which will hurt." Somewhere, a higher power is giggling about this conundrum. To make matters worse, at some point, we have convinced ourselves that all that hurting is good for us.
Jul 16, 2012 - 9:10:11 PM
Laura on Life That's Life
Apparently, there is a certain sector of the population that resented that comparison including a less-than eloquent trash collector that emailed me from his cell phone and told me exactly what he thought of my mother's resemblance to a canine, the supposed promiscuity of my sex life and his hopes for my speedy demise. His words were a little different.
Jul 11, 2012 - 12:20:54 AM
Laura on Life Rope Swings & Flying Potatoes
My husband is part genius, and part closet redneck. He's a cross between Bill Nye the Science Guy and Larry the Cable Guy. Sometimes it's difficult for him to keep the two sides going in the same direction at the same time. Life is never boring around our house.
Jul 3, 2012 - 11:20:13 PM
Laura on Life Jury Duty
Why then, was I, a 50-year old woman with no criminal record and a mile-long to-do list, called in to jury duty for a nineteen-year old boy accused of a dalliance with an under-aged girl?
Jun 26, 2012 - 9:26:35 PM
Laura on Life Don't Judge Me
Did you ever see those houses that have weed-free, perfectly manicured lawns, trimmed hedges and not a single tree growing out of their gutters? Most people will look at those houses and think "Wow, those people are really good landscapers!"
Jun 19, 2012 - 4:56:21 AM
Laura on Life The Big Gamble
Parenthood is essentially a big gamble. You will put years of hard work, difficult decisions, and mileage on your car into raising a child, and you won't know, until years later, whether or not that effort has paid off.
Jun 13, 2012 - 5:51:16 AM
Laura on Life Roget's Gift
Words are strange and beautiful things, depending on the order in which you place them. They are the unit we use most to communicate our thoughts. It would be much more efficient if we could learn to accurately "read" one another's thoughts, because words are misused... often.
Jun 6, 2012 - 5:55:48 AM
Laura on Life Driving Me Bonkers
This kind of love is most evident the day your teenager gets a learner's permit. As the parent, it is now your responsibility to allow your kid, the one who insists on repeating internet memes and splitting infinitives, to sit behind the wheel of a moving 3-ton vehicle while you sit in the passenger seat willingly channeling your inner crash dummy.
May 30, 2012 - 5:52:00 AM
Laura on Life Lifestyle Changes
Do donuts have carbs? Of course they do, silly! But the kind that have a hole in the middle have less. That's where they took the carbs out.
May 23, 2012 - 5:53:50 AM
Laura on Life Take a Vacation From Facebook
You know you have a Facebook addiction when your "friends" include the parents of the kids you used to know in preschool. You know who you are.
May 18, 2012 - 7:19:29 AM
Laura on Life X and Y Variables
For the first 16 years of my married life, I was the only person in my family without a Y chromosome. I can't help thinking that the Y chromosome was aptly named. "Why?" is a question I have asked my boys innumerable times since the day they were born.
May 9, 2012 - 5:43:19 AM
Laura on Life A Bird In The Hand
He branched out quickly to other barnyard animals. I love this young man in spite of his peculiarities. I told him that he was turning into a handsome young man. He replied, "Beauty is in the eye of a bull in a china shop."
May 2, 2012 - 6:00:46 AM
Laura on Life First World Problems
A "bad day" is all relative, of course. What I actually had was a First World problem. Anyone in Ethiopia who read my column would think a ham steak falling out of anything was an absolute miracle. They would ignore their throbbing toe and busily cook four meals out of that piece of meat.
Apr 28, 2012 - 5:12:00 AM
Laura on Life Stampeding Wildlife
It makes sense, though, that a creature with the name of a vegetable
that was so ugly it would freeze Medusa, would need to travel in herds
for protection. I imagine all the other sea critters would tease them
Apr 17, 2012 - 6:17:53 AM
Laura on Life The Scent of a Man
However, there are products out there that are made just for men that
still smell like a flowery arbor with a hint of gym locker. If a man's
favorite aromas come from food, why wouldn't they offer a
barbecue-scented after shave?
Apr 11, 2012 - 8:50:45 AM
Laura on Life A Few Words...
Over my writing career, I have assembled a list of words that I feel
should never be used in a column. I could have said that in my spare
time, I peruse my dictionary looking for strange words. It would have
been more interesting, but I would have been paltering. I found that
word in my Thesaurus under "lie."
Mar 28, 2012 - 7:03:05 AM
Laura on Life Ben Franklin and My Boy
If we can keep him out of trouble long enough to get that education,
you may one day see my boy's face gracing a piece of currency.
Mar 21, 2012 - 8:58:53 AM
Laura on Life The Nightmare
Just after midnight, I shuffled down to the front desk in my pajamas
and asked for another room close to the first one. They had one right
next door. I would still hear my son's "contractions" but at least the
sound would be muted. I sighed. This trip had just cost me double and my
son didn't even go to the tournament.
Mar 14, 2012 - 6:07:16 AM
Laura on Life St. Paddy's Day Madness
I'd love to support our Irish friends on St. Patrick's Day, but I
have absolutely nothing green to wear. I've come to the conclusion that
nobody does unless they bought it for a St. Patrick's Day party ten
Mar 7, 2012 - 5:05:09 AM
Laura on Life The Line Between Right and Wrong
The thing is, a kid can reason out certain concepts and their
reasoning can be quite logical at times... until he tries to explain his
actions to an irate adult.
Feb 29, 2012 - 4:54:23 AM
Laura on Life Stuck In The Buffer
The thing about technology is that either you love it and are
interested in learning more about it, or you have to pay someone who is.
Feb 21, 2012 - 6:07:19 AM
Laura on Life New Jeans
You know that feeling you get when you buy new clothes and wear them
for the first time? Don't you feel great? When you wear new clothes, it
feels as if you are a new person. It's the same feeling you get after your house has been freshly painted. It feels like a new home.
Feb 14, 2012 - 3:20:15 AM
Laura on Life Pros and Cons of Pets
There are pros and cons when it comes to owning pets. Before you adopt or buy one, you have to weigh these carefully. One of the biggest cons, unfortunately, is that if you have a child
and the pet dies or disappears before they reach adulthood, you will be
coping with this child's broken heart for a very long time.
Feb 7, 2012 - 5:55:01 AM
Laura on Life Saga of the Cheese
That bag of cheese curds used to be an ordinary bag of cheese curds
settled amongst its friends in a grocery store's refrigerated dairy
case. It had a life of ease only disturbed when a distracted shopper's
fingers ran across its label on the way to the more popular sharp white
Jan 31, 2012 - 12:25:48 AM
Laura on Life A Lesson In Buoyancy
"No-oo," he said as if he was talking to a moron. "I'm trying to BUILD a boat!" I would have chastised him for his sassiness, but I could see the future in this scenario, and I knew it wouldn't be long before he got his come-uppance.
Jan 25, 2012 - 3:12:40 AM
Laura on Life Sleepless In The Bahamas
Believe it or not, the Bahamas are not warm in December. Okay, if you
compared it to say, Michigan, Maine or Montana in December, the Bahamas
would be downright toasty. But I'm comparing the Bahamas in December to
the Bahamas in June (which I assume is warmer).
Jan 18, 2012 - 12:15:41 AM
Laura on Life Cruising
If you want to learn about another person's personal habits, the best
way to do it without asking is to go on a 5-day cruise with them. There
is nowhere to hide.
Jan 9, 2012 - 8:20:45 PM
Laura on Life Good Stranger Moms
You want to keep your kids safe but sometimes it's difficult to
explain to them how to stay safe. How can they differentiate between the
"good strangers" and the "bad strangers" when sometimes it's even
difficult for adults to tell the difference?
Jan 4, 2012 - 8:55:48 AM