Green is okay. It's not my favorite color. It's not my least
favorite. But wouldn't a nice azure blue or sunshine yellow be just as
good as green? Why did it have to be green?
I'd love to support our Irish friends on St. Patrick's Day, but I
have absolutely nothing green to wear. I've come to the conclusion that
nobody does unless they bought it for a St. Patrick's Day party ten
There is a rule written in stone somewhere (perhaps this Blarney
Stone I keep hearing about) that you cannot go to a St. Paddy's Day
party wearing anything other than green. Additionally, you take the risk
of getting kicked out if you dare show up in orange, which is very...
Nobody wants to get kicked out because there will be shamrocks... and beer. Lots of beer.
There's a rule about having to drink beer on St. Paddy's Day too, but
I choose to ignore it. Beer makes me nauseated. What can they do? Send a
leprechaun to make me drink? ... Bring it on, little green man. I think
I can take you.
By the way, the leprechauns did not sprout from the St. Patrick
legends. The little party-crashers simply took over the holiday because
St. Patrick was a bit boring. In fact, it is very unlikely that he ever
drank beer, sported a monochrome wardrobe, or ate corned beef and
cabbage until he puked.
In fact, the modern corned beef tradition sprang from the original
meat used to celebrate St. Patrick's Day: bacon. I can see how people
who drink large quantities of beer might make that mistake. ("I wondered
why that darn pig was mooing!") But whose sick idea was it to combine
corned beef and cabbage with kegs of beer, anyway?
Aha! That's where the green comes in! After voluminous amounts of
corned beef, cabbage and beer, the only green you'd see is the green
around your gills around 2:00 am.
After waking from a coma next to the commode in a bar to which you
don't remember going, one has to further test his intestinal fortitude
by going to the parade with a hangover.
And yay! The parade has bagpipes! Lots of bagpipes. Because,
apparently, the friendly Scots support the Irish madness with an
instrument that looks like one of the alien patrons of a Star Wars pub.
It sounds like one too.
Of course, after ruining your only green shirt with the contents of
your stomach, you would have to brave the parade in a color other than
green.There are consequences for blatantly breaking the St. Paddy's Day
rules. Now, every Irish grandmother in the city will subject you to an
"affectionate pinch"; which is an oxymoron. There really is no such
thing. However, if somebody's grandmother pinches you, you are not, I
repeat, NOT, allowed to slug her. Another St. Paddy's rule written in
So, yes, I wholeheartedly support our Irish friends, and even those
who are only temporarily Irish. But, gee, I just don't have anything to
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author & speaker. You can reach Laura at firstname.lastname@example.org Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.