J. G. Fabiano
The Political Junkie They Made Me Be
By J. G. Fabiano
Jan 27, 2008 - 8:32:55 PM

There is a new addiction plaguing the citizens of our nation. It has nothing to do with some new medicine gone awry or some new drug brought in by some society that went extinct thousands of years ago. It has everything to do with how our media has over reported our upcoming election. In other words, I have become a political junkie.

I find myself waking up 4:30 in the morning. I tell my wife I get up this early to exercise and then get ready for work. I am actually sneaking into my office and quietly turning on my computer so I can see what CNN has reported about any election news that could have taken place during the night. I then switch over to FOX to see what really didn't happen the night before or is it the other way around? I then end up at MSNBC in order to get a mixture of the previous two; or at least this is what they say.

My most exciting morning is when there is a primary the night before. Because I get little sleep it is difficult to stay up for the minute by minute election results that are combined with the conversations of newly discovered celebrities that write a blog or report for one of the political magazines I've never heard of.

Driving to work, I immediately put on NPR radio to hear if anything happened between the time I shut off my television and computer to the time I jumped in my car. I used to listen to political talk radio on my way to work but the static was aggravating. I am not saying the station did not come in clear. I am talking about the noise of what was coming from the broadcaster's mouth.

As soon as I arrive at school I run up to my room in order to put on my computer to see if one of the news channels heard something about something that was going to change the election. They say it happens all the time but the only thing their report changes is another news flash stating the first one was not as important as first thought. I even signed up for a CNN news pop-up that takes over my computer screen anytime one of those important reports comes in. For the past few months my students have asked why their work seems a bit confused. I tell them to blame the Republicans.

As driving into work, going home has me intently listening to NPR reporting about a new poll clearly stating most dog owners who are between the ages of 41 and 49 support Hillary Clinton while most cat owners with gray hair and a beer belly overwhelmingly support Barak Obama. John Edwards is in third place with people who prefer to own guinea pigs and underweight white mice.

When I arrive home I wait in my garage until the report I was listening to is over. I then walk through my kitchen, say hello to my wife who thinks I must be having an affair because ever since the political season started I have been paying more attention to the Democrats than her. I run up to my room turn on the computer and once again become engulfed in the concept John McCain and his mother traded places.

Dinner is always eaten listening to the television whose volume was increased ten fold so it could be clearly heard. The concept of conversation went the way of the Iowa Caucuses. After dinner is gulped down I fall downstairs in order to put on my 50 inch Sony so I can easily stare into the eyes of the candidates in order to see if they are lying or simply twisting the truth. Hours are then spent with Chris Mathews, Keith Olbermann, Bill O'Reilly, Lew Dobbs, Wolf Blitzer, Tucker Carlson, or any other afternoon and early evening political talk show I can find. I switch the channel so many the broadcasters start looking the same and what is even worse; sound the same. I swore to my wife one night I thought I heard Bill O'Reilly want to become the illegitimate mistress of Hillary Clinton and that Tucker Carlson thought Barak Obama was Norwegian.

I finally start to crash about 11:00 still upset Brian Williams actually attempted to talk about something other than the elections. I crawl up from the hole I call my family room, see that my wife has already gone to bed in disgust, and sneak into my office for one last glimpse to see if Dennis Kucinich really is an alien.

The next morning starts like every morning with my day progressing in a similar fashion. As I watch television understanding my life will never be the same I stare up at the ceiling and curse the Writer’s Guild of America for ever going on strike. Like the Republicans, I blame them.

Jim Fabiano, a teacher and writer who lives in York, is a past recipient of the Maine Press Association's award for Best Weekly Column. You can E-mail Jim at: jfabino@maine.rr.com.