Welcome to all the people of the rest of the world who survived the last 50 or so weeks of the past year in order to visit the wonderful world on the beaches of New England. Since the majority of people reading this are probably dreaming about lying on the beaches of our seacoast or are on their way I thought it a good time to discuss some of the things you should know about surviving the next few weeks.
First of all, remember that even though this is considered north our sun is the same sun you have been radiated by where you live. Time and time again I watch entire families build their little circles on the beach only to remove most of their clothes to enjoy their time in the sun. Now most forget that these are the same bodies they had fully clothed during most of their daytime hours for the past 50 or so weeks. These same bodies lost all the color they may have enjoyed a year ago only to become a bit translucent in their whiteness. Lobsters should become so red after they have been steamed over a very intense heat.
The next day I watch this same family build that same circle on the beach. But, this time they bring extra clothes and an extra umbrella or two. Once they are seated in their beach chairs they rarely move. In fact, they look as though they try not to breathe. It usually takes about three or four days to peel off the burnt layers of skin. This leaves some time left to enjoy their time on the coast. The worse case scenario is what we New Englanders like to call the "August White Syndrome". This happens late in the season to people who take their vacations in August. Unlike the earlier vacationers they never last more than one day on the beach.
Another mistake our visitors make usually happens on their first night. They seem to think they have to go to the nearest restaurant specializing in our culture's seafood. Now this is a great idea unless one has a need to eat a lot. You see people who are used to eating highly institutional foods like Macdonald's or Burger King have a tough time digesting steamed clams, mussels, or even lobster. If one eats this type of food in moderation there is never a problem. But, if one orders a few quarts of clams to go with a 3 lb. Lobster he or she might have a problem later on that night. In fact, if he or she is in a campground many people could suffer through that same problem.
One of the most important things one can do before they arrive at the beach is to properly outfit themselves. Beachwear is very important. Please try to remember that this is not the Riviera of France or the Caribbean. People here do not enjoy seeing how much of one's gluteus maximus they can see. Most have gone through health class and do not have to get a refresher course in anatomy. Most of us also understand that we do not all stay in shape as we age. In fact, we understand this very well.
A beach chair is also very important. Over the years I have seen chairs the size of a small import automobile with all of the extras. On the arms there is room for beverage, a computer notebook, and even a small radio or television. If all these things are necessary for you to go to the beach it might be a good idea to stay in your den or playroom for the duration of the summer season. Also never buy a beach chair with a lobster imprinted on its back. Most of us in Maine now understand that an imprinted lobster looks very much like a cockroach. It wasn't long ago we all used to have this picture on all of our cars.
The best way to sit on our beaches is in a low cheap aluminum chair that you can carry down to the beach on your back. Beach jams are the best type of attire and an old T-shirt that says a lot about nothing goes well with anything. A baseball cap or wide brimmed hat is important if one wants to have any vision left when they go back home and sunglasses are a must for the same reason.
After you arrive at the beach in the most suitable attire what do you do when you get there? Beach games are a good choice if one wants to look like they still believe physical activity will stop the aging process.
The younger have the largest selection of beach games to choose from. Most of these were probably invented by some older beach patron hoping to make his or her millions by inventing the perfect summer game. One of my favorite beach toys is the paddleball set. I am not talking about the traditional wooden paddle and rubber ball. I am describing the game in which the paddle is made up of a type of thin rubber sheath. It doesn't launch the ball any farther. It just amplifies the sound it makes when the ball hits the paddle. A base drum in the Boston Pops should have the capacity to make that much sound.
Another favorite of the beach is the football with a tail. This design is supposed to allow the young quarterback to be able to control his or her throw. Being smacked on the side of my head more than once has a tendency to disqualify that argument. The newer version makes the screaming sound of a World War II bomb. The only reason I can think of to include the sound was to warn a person that they are going to be smacked on the side of their head.
The Velcro paddle and ball set is another favorite game for the young. This is definitely quieter than its plastic counterpart. The major problem with this game is when the feathered ball is caught in someone's hair or clothing. Plus, the only sound it makes is when it hits you off the side of the head. Of course Frisbees, conventional whiffle ball sets, and normal footballs are always seen throughout the beaches of northern New England.
The games of the older generation are much more intricate. The combatants include schoolteachers who have survived decades of climbing the ladder of seniority and can now support themselves without working menial summer jobs. Other municipal employees are also found in this group of elder athletes. They include policemen, firemen, and the more affluent sanitation workers. A favorite among this group of beach-goers is beach bocce'.
The best time on the beach is when you want to be left alone. But, this now introduces another problem. Where do you sit on the beach? The kid zone is an area one should attempt to stay away from. The kid zone is located where the cool ocean waters meet the beach. It is easy to imagine yourself sitting in the water with one's butt being cooled by each approaching wave. One's feet would dig two holes until the receding water make them disappear. The kid zone is the ultimate experience on the beaches of New England. Of course, that would be without the kids.
In a quest toward the zone you would pass the little societies that were claiming their part of the beach. You would probably observe how the umbrellas were placed in the middle of the little townships much like the churches were placed in the middle of villages. The peripheral material surrounding the umbrella would include coolers, blankets, toys, and of course the ever popular beach games.
When one reaches the zone one should plant your chair approximately six inches deep in the water, light up one of your favorite cigars if such a thing still exists, and take hold of a favorite book. Off to serenity you will surely go.
But, they will come. At first you will feel a slight vibration in your chair. Then the vibration will turn into a rumble. You will feel like a salmon trying to go upstream. All of a sudden you will be in the midst of hordes of children running into the surf with their pales, floats, and balls. You could compare it to a locust attack. After the first wave of children the children's keepers will arrive. They are always paired up. Sometimes they come in groups of six or seven. They arrive with their arms crossed forever peering into the ocean making sure that their offspring are safe and out of harms way.
Everything will seem standable until the children start their marathon from the ocean and back to the blanket routine. They go into the ocean dry and come out dripping wet. Not only dripping down into the ocean but kicking up waves of water. You will feel like you are in a nor'easter. The waves will continue until the children going into the water are as wet as the children leaving the water.
If you dare to survive the kid zone there are many things one can do as you sit in the water. The best thing to do is to sit and people peep. This is a favorite game of the cagey veterans of the beach.
There are many people who wander down the sands in pairs. They never look down on a person sitting in the water. They must either consider them invisible or dangerous. Only one of the pair is usually talking with the other while walking in unison staring straight ahead. It can be either the man or the woman. This situation probably mirrors the kind of relationship they have. The talker controls the pace of the walk and has his or her head held high with the listener trying to keep up. They always have their head a bit lower than their partners. The talker never glances down at the people on the chairs. The listener ever so slightly peers at the people sitting in the sea probably wishing that they were allowed a tiny bit of peace.
The couples are not always male and female. But, the results are always the same. When two men walk down the beach one is always talking to the other. His hands are never by his side and the volume of his voice tries to out scream the ocean. In this he always fails. His counterpart usually has his head rocking up and down agreeing with everything the other man is saying. His head is usually arched a bit downward probably noticing the quieter waves rushing past his feet. Women are also seen in couples walking down the beach. The result is usually the same with one woman dictating to the other and the other woman agreeing with her head bobbing up and down. I guess this is a case where the equality of men and women has always been the same.
The younger men and women of the beach never walk in twos. That is, of course, if they are not a couple. They are seen in large groups presumably showing off what they have to offer. They are talking to each other but not listening to a word being said. They are, on the other hand, glancing across the beach hoping that some other single person hidden in their own group would notice what they have to offer. Every now and then one of them would glance down at the people sitting on the water. They always have the expression of sadness because they feel sorry for the lonely men and women of the beach. They would be surprised to know that the people sitting in their chairs feel a bit sorry for them. They have already found their niche in life. The young men and women walking past them have yet to find it.
Of course, the lovers of the beach are seen perpetually arm in arm walking down the sands. Laughing in each other's arms. Trying to get a little bit closer then they would if they were some place else. The people sitting in their chairs slyly glance toward these people remembering their time where the ocean meets the sand. They don't feel pity for themselves; they are simply enjoying a very special memory.
Another favorite game of the beach is beach solitaire. You sit by the ocean and watch people promenade before you. Then you pick out a particular individual and using his or her looks, guess what he or she does for a living. One can spend an entire day guessing what people did in their lives. You could guess policeman with their intimidating gait, construction workers with their over-sized bellies, and accountants who are consistently pale.
All of us who live on the coast of New England enjoy having people from all over the country if not world visit us. They usually arrive in good moods hoping to feel the hospitality that New England is famous for. I just wish someone would come up with some sort of a guidebook as to how to survive their time vacationing on the seacoasts of New England. But, then again, I guess they already have.
Jim Fabiano is a teacher and writer living in York, Maine
Maine Publisher's Association Best weekly column award for 2004
Email Jim: james.fabiano60@gmail.com
