Caring for children is physically and emotionally draining, leaving little time, effort or energy for finding your partner sexy. Privacy and quality time are both limited so even to sneak in a "quickie" can be near to impossible. So as unsexy as it may be, while kids are young you need to plan your romance and sex life. It is possible to have children and a sexually enjoyable marriage.
Four Reasons the Passion Dies:
1. Mother Role = Not Sexual: For a woman after you have children you see yourself as a "mother," and mother is significantly different than a sex goddess. We as children don't want to see our parents having sex, especially our mothers and so when we become mothers we can feel that having sex is un-mother-like and we shut it off. When this happens the children get all of our attention and our husbands are left on their own with zero sex, zero attention, zero appreciation and feeling disconnected from us. Solution: Force yourself to remember what it was like to be crazy about your husband when you couldn't keep your hands off of him. Greet your husband in a way that makes him feel like he is still the most important person in your life. Men are simple, if you make them feel good, they will love you. Make sure to hug and kiss him, touch him and let him know he is attractive to you. If you do this, your life will be easier, happier and your marriage passionate once again.
2. Routine = Boring: We are all aware as mothers that we need to keep our kids on a predictable schedule but this routine can totally sink the passion in a marriage. Instead of being sexy partners you become working partners and this is not sexy. This puts sex on a routine. Not fun. Solution: If your sex has to be scheduled it doesn't mean you can't be creative. Get a sitter and stay at home. Lock yourselves in your room, buy some bath bombs and massage bars and have a great time with each other trusting your kids are just fine. If you cannot relax in your home then get a room for a night. Trust me, your kids will live, and when you come back you will be connected and fresh and this only makes you a better parent! C'mon ladies throw on some sexy heals and lingerie for your man. It makes you feel sexy and makes him want you and to want to do more for you outside of the bedroom. Bonus!
3) Get Your Sexy Back = Happy You (and Him) There is nothing worse than losing your body after having children. This can put a huge damper on sex. The last thing that you want to be thinking about is how gross you feel naked during sex. You end up focusing on your insecurities, wanting the sex to be over rather than on the enjoyment of your connection with your partner. Solution: Make sure that you take care of your diet and in whatever way you can exercise. Dress up. Don't be the mom in the Juicy sweatsuit and Ugg boots all day. You will feel better when you eat right, exercise and look nice instead of like you have just gotten out of bed. Further, exercise takes away mommy blues and makes you feel back on top of your game, plus it increases testosterone which increases sex drive.
4) You + Kid Time= Left over's for Husband: There really is enough of you to go around, although it may not feel like it when you have kids. If your husband feels like left over's this is not healthy. To make him feel important make sure to schedule intimate time into your marriage with each other. Believe me, you will benefit. Men are simple make them feel good and you reap the rewards, and you deserve them. Solution: Date nights, nights away, and you simply not needing to be in control all of the time. Let your hair down, the kids will be fine and make your husband feel appreciated and sexy and he will love you. It is common not to feel romantic when juggling work and children. Start sending positive messages to yourself about your sexuality. Some affirmations that can help are: "I love my body," "I love being touched and touching," "I love sex." If you really can't get in the mood, try sleeping in each other's arms or have your partner give you a massage and see what happens next. You have to start somewhere or you end up being roommates.
Passion is what pulls people together, and routine is what pulls passion apart. There is a way to balance it all. It takes work and effort but when the rewards outweigh the costs you will see that you really can have it all. Think BIG. Take responsibility for your marriage just as you do your kids. Love yourself, do not let yourself go to only one role in your life. There are many roles we can play and should play to stay fulfilled in life. Sex is vital to a lasting marriage, so make it your goal to get your sexy back!
Little Life Message: You can do it all, be it all, and enjoy it!
Dr. Sherrie Campbell
Author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person
Previous Articles by Dr. Sherrie Campbell include:
Sherrie Campbell, PhD is a veteran, licensed Psychologist with two decades of clinical training and experience providing counseling and psychotherapy services to residents of Yorba Linda, Irvine, Anaheim, Fullerton and Brea, California. In her private practice, she currently specializes in psychotherapy with adults and teenagers, including marriage and family therapy, grief counselling, childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness and more. She has helped individuals manage their highest high and survive their lowest low--from winning the lottery to the death of a child. Her interactive sessions are as unique and impactful as her new book, Loving Yourself : The Mastery of Being Your Own Person.
She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 2003 and has regularly contributes to numerous publications, including Intent.com, Beliefnet.com, DrLaura.com and Hitched.com. She is also an inspirational speaker, avid writer and proud mother. She can be reached at Sherriecampbellphd.com.
Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person is available on Amazon.com and other fine booksellers.