Entertainment
Tons of Puns
By Unknown Original Authors
Jul 31, 2010 - 12:22:55 AM

1.  King  Ozymandias of  Assyria was running low on cash after years of  war with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the  Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the  ancient world.  Desperate, he went to Croesus, the  pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give  you 100,000 dinars for it."  "But I paid a million dinars  for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am?  I am the king!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2.   Evidence has been found that William Tell and his  family were avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, all the  Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so  we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3.   A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted,  "Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor  calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have  to be a little patient."

4.  A marine biologist  developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that  could live forever if they were fed a steady diet  of seagulls.  One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way  back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across  sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5.  Back in  the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of  Massachusetts wanted  to produce other products, and since they already made the  cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.   The new compasses were so bad that people often ended  up in  Canada or  Mexico rather than  California . This, of  course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6.  A thief broke into the  local police station and stole all the toilets and  urinals, leaving no clues.  A spokesperson was quoted  as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide  and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and  swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a  month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was  feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized  profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant.  The first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance  of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a  particular fern were a sure cure for any case of  constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his  doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me  tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need  enemas."

© Copyright 2002-2008 by Magic City Morning Star