You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
The school inspector is assigned to the year 4 class in one of the local Brisbane state schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question".
The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question. He asks :"Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.
Bruce stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".
Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Bruce since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".
The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".
The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Premier's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to her and asks her what he thinks of the education standard in state.
The Premier sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, but just get three quotes and have the wall fixed!!"
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
'Just for a Laugh' Series
Posted by R.P. BenDedek
Provided by readers from a variety of sources