ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS

(or so we are lead to believe)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1998.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicide.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this woman pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from the toes down.

While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life: until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. (The Barkly Hotel)

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.

The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

Posted by R.P. BenDedek

Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com

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