Today for your amusement we have a selection of jokes that may or may not be to your liking. Just remember that a good laugh is good for physical and emotional health. R.P. BenDedek
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. {quid = English pounds}
Paddy had never had a hooker before but decides -- what the hell it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh I'm so sorry' says the cop' I didn't know.'
'Well needer did I' says Paddy 'til ya shined dat light in her face!!!"
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me ....Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. [A Chinese student told me that this actually happened in one of his classes - R.P.BD]
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and st ormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty....)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully... You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' Have a nice day and remember: There is always someone with a job that is more of a pain in the A** than yours!
Posted by R.P. Bendedek
www kingscalendar com
Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com
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