Entertainment
Just for a Laugh
By Editorial Staff
Aug 22, 2010 - 12:13:47 AM

Thanks to Martha Stevens-David for sending in at least two of these jokes. A good laugh reduces stress and helps us to live longer. So enjoy!

Elderly Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'However,' said the elderly priest, 'I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional.'

'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," just can't stay on the church roof.'

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your part across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, darn!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

The %&!?%">%&!?% TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling %&!?%">#@%&!?% at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

An Airline with a sense of humour

Kulula Humour

Kulula's airline attendants and pilots are known for injecting a sense of humour into situations:

"Please pay attention to the safety announcement, because you will be writing a test shortly".

"If you are caught smoking, you will be asked to leave the aircraft".

"You could be fined up to R7999 for smoking on the plane, and for these prices you could be flying SAA"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Me Tarzan, You on hold", when phoning Kulula and being put on hold.

"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull the belt tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one by now, then you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town . Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-law or children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

"Welcome to Johannesburg, if this is not where you were intending to go then you have a bit of a problem."

"Anyone caught jumping on the bed at any Protea Hotel will be charged R250 per jump and will be billed when you check out." (part of a Kulula ad, advertising Protea Hotel rooms).

Posted by R.P. Bendedek

Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com

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