Politically incorrect but funny, sexist and yet hilarious come these jokes sent in by different readers. Most from Unknown Original Authors, and posted by R.P. BenDedek Email: email@example.com If you have a joke, poem, article, commentary, news or a story that you would like to submit, please feel free to send it in.
Calmness in our lives
We could all use a little more calmness in our lives and by following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed that "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Valium prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!
Thank you Dr. Phil!
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and see all the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted the final boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race and I do appreciate your help.'
Two views on Helpful Kitchen Tips
a) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes
- b) Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
a) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
- b) Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
a) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
- b) Celery? Never heard of it!
a) Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away
- b) Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
a) Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces
Senior Texting Code
Since more of us are getting into this form of communication, I thought this might be of assistance to you. Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
'Just for a Laugh' Series