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Entertainment

Just for a Laugh
By Unknown Original Authors
Dec 29, 2010 - 9:15:23 AM

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Politically incorrect but funny, sexist and yet hilarious come these jokes sent in by different readers. Most from Unknown Original Authors, and posted by R.P. BenDedek Email: rpbendedek@hotmail.com If you have a joke, poem, article, commentary, news or a story that you would like to submit, please feel free to send it in.


Calmness in our lives

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives and by following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed that "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Valium prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Thank you Dr. Phil!


High Urinals
 
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and see all the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted the final boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race and I do appreciate your help.'


Two views on Helpful Kitchen Tips

a) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes

  • b) Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

a) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake

  • b) Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

a) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

  • b) Celery? Never heard of it!

a) Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away

  • b) Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

a) Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces

  • b) Leftover Wine?

Senior Texting Code

Since more of us are getting into this form of communication, I thought this might be of assistance to you. Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

'Just for a Laugh' Series


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