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It Makes You Wonder!
By Unknown Original Authors
Nov 20, 2008 - 8:18:27 AM

Church Bulletins

They're back!  Church Bulletins.  Thank God for church ladies with errant keyboard skills, to provide us with our morning chuckles.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at St. Martin's Church.  Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:  'Jesus Walks on the Water.'  The sermon tonight 'Searching for Jesus.'

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 

 Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.

The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -- prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:  'I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours!
 

And when you thought it couldn't get any worse - you get these!

*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, He put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:  'Free to good Home.  You want it, you take it.'  For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.  It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:  'Fridge for sale $50..'  The next day someone stole it.

*Cau tion... They Walk Among Us!*

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'  Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*

**They Walk among us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'  When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

**They Walk Among Us!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.  She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

**They Walk Among Us!

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin.  She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin.  Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.

**They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the boot...

**They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

**They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?'  I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

**They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

**They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.  He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.  He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!

I don't know where they come from, I just post them for your amusement. R.P.BenDedek (kingscalendar)

Email: rpbendedek@kingscalendar.com