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'Always a Lady' - A True Story from Maine.
By Mortified Martha
May 5, 2013 - 12:13:56 AM

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  • This is an email received from someone who shall remain nameless. I thought it was funny and asked permission to publish it, and permission was given. So do enjoy. R.P. Bendedek

Hi Ross, hope all is well. I finally got outside yesterday and raked leaves away from our rock walls for three hours and then mowed for the first time for another two hours. Guess I'm feeling better too. Anyway, I had two doctor's appointments on Wednesday and the one with my Ophthalmologist went just fine and the other with an Orthopedist, well, not so much.

My first appointment was at 8:30 am and I was scheduled to see my eye doctor for new glasses. He was concerned that my "new" eye symptoms were associated with my "Vertigo" issues and he immediately referred me to an Orthopedist that he knew. So, after completing my eye exam, I drove the short distance down the street to the Orthopedist's office. After waiting nearly an hour and a half, I was ushered into the exam room and told to remove only my shoes and the doctor would be right in. I did as told and it wasn't too long and the doctor came into the narrow exam room. He was about my own age, six feet tall, very slender and quite handsome. He gave me a cursory glance, sidled past me to his computer in the corner and sat down. He quickly read through my "new" patient notes and then cast his hazel eyes in my direction. "What brings you here today, Martha?" I explained my worries about having neck pain and vertigo and he told me to get up and sit on the exam table.

Then he walked over to me and standing about five inches away from my body, he began his "exam" by sliding his hands around my face, around to the back of my neck and down my spine. His long, slender fingers found places that even I didn't know existed. He uttered one command after another to check my body and bones and I complied as best I could. Then, he asked about my ever having been involved in any accidents and I told him about having slipped and fallen under my snow blower two months ago. He stepped back, gave me a long look and then told me to lie on my back on the table. Then he commenced sliding his hands along and around every bone in my decrepit old body. He manipulated all that he could find and some he didn't, with the curt explanation "If I happen to touch something I shouldn't, I apologize." And then he continued his exam. I was very nervous because I'd never been to an "Osteopathic" doctor before and I didn't know what to expect or if it was going to hurt or not. So, noticing that I was tensing up, he ordered me to relax and let him do his job and I tried. Finally, after about an hour and forty-five minutes, my exam was over and he knew me better than my husband. He ordered me to sit-up and I hurriedly complied. I always wear my shoulder length hair pinned to the top of my head in what I feel is an "elegant" hairdo for a "lady" my age and from all the manipulations to my head and body, one side of my hair had fallen down my back. So, all I could think about was getting my hair pinned back in place. Just as I was about to slide my feet off the exam table, a loud explosion erupted from my inner sanctum and I was stunned, mortified and humiliated to say the least!

I couldn't even look in his direction for a couple of seconds and as the disgraceful sound died away in the small room, I gathered the courage to slide off the friggin table to the floor. I scrabbled for my shoes and mumbled a small "sorry about that," the only reference to the "flatulence" and mumbled something about my hair having fallen down.

From the area behind me where he was standing, came his only comment, "There's a mirror in the corner but you really should leave it down, it gives you character." I slid over to the mirror, repined my hair and turned around and got the hell out of there. I hate to think what story he told his staff about me, after I left. And now I have to change the way I've always thought about myself... "A lady??" Not so much!!!

Mortified Martha

PS: Need-less-to-say, husband is still laughing!!!!

Editorial Comment: This is not the first time that Mortified Martha (whose real name will remain anonymous) has written about her personal medical problems. She once wrote a little story entitled Bra Crazy and before that, she wrote about Medicine in Maine. She also wrote a short mystery novel that was published at Magic City in 4 installments. It is called: Vengeance is Mine. She has also written some children's stories too, for example:

All works by Mortified Martha published at Magic City Morning Star News are her copyright property and may not be reproduced without her permission.

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