I was relaxing in a lounge the other day, when Charlie began telling me his moose stories. And here I thought I had the only moose stories!
Anyway, Charlie, not sure if this is his real name, but it'll do, spent his working days in the Greenville area.
I've heard there's a few moose there as well as around here.
Charlie told me he had gone down a log road nearly every day and had seen a bull moose standing near a pile of logs. Only on this trip he didn't see the moose. There's nothing worse than seeing a big old bull up close except not seeing it where it is scheduled to be.
But that was Charlie's predicament.
Which got solved quite fast, when Charlie glanced down and saw the big beastie lying near his feet. It was the moose's rear end -- had to be one or the other end -- and Charlie began to stoop down. He thought as do many moose-struck Maineiacs that he would touch it's rear side just a tad. But before he got bent far enough, the moose kind of kicked its rear legs, missing Charlie but scaring him a good bit.
It then got up and walked away.
Charlie didn't kick his feet but used them to run the other way.
Charlie told me -- and, of course, I believed him, so I'm sharing it with you -- that he was walking along some woods road, when suddenly he saw a big bull moose coming straight toward him.
Was it luck that made them both jump in opposite directions. Both swerved right, and missed one another. A near miss with a moose is a good thing. A farther away moose is even better.
Anyway Charlie said he was happy they both chose the direction "right" to jump. Would not have been happy for Charlie had one chosen the other direction.
Moral of story: when you and moose meet each other, decide which way each of you will jump to miss the other. Missing the other is always a good choice, when you're the person and not the moose.
Charlie said he was sitting in his pickup, when he noticed two or three moose out the passenger window. They were some distance from the pickup and were kind of playing.
Here's the real moose tale. Charlie had left the driver's side window wound down, not expecting to be slobbered on by yet another moose. When he turned around toward the open window, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss (he didn't way which) Moosie had his or her nose in the window, perhaps deciding whether he wanted that pickup enough to really scare Charlie so Charlie would exit the other door.
Charlie wasn't sure of that thought process. He was sure that without further pause, Mr., Miss, or Mrs. Moose sneezed, soaking Charlie and parts of the pickup that were nearby.
After escaping, Charlie spent some time cleaning the pickup and himself.
Still other's moose tales
You're lucky. I won't tell these because I think they're all lies.
Moose tale not yet told or even made up
While waiting in line at the supermarket, I met a young guy who told me he had only recently moved to Maine. He said he wasn't sure how to impress locals enough so they'd talk to him or listen to him. I explained, that it was easy to get folks' attention, just tell them a moose tale.
"But I've never seen a moose," he said, proving to me that he wasn't lying.
Having been in Maine over half my life, I said, "It doesn't matter if they're true or not, just tell them a moose story.
I never had heard how many Maineiac friends he gained.
Yet more moose tales
I won't tell you these, because I haven't made them up yet.*
But I'll be back when I do.
* If you have moose tales you'd love to tell, feel free to e-mail me at the address below. If you're lying, you don't have to tell me that. If the tales are as tall as many moose I've met, I won't believe you anyhow. But I just might use them -- true or false -- in a later column.
So they better be true -- or not.
Milt Gross can be reached for corrections, harassment, or other purposes at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Milton M. Gross Copyright 2015