One of the perks of being a writer is that during those times when you run dry on material, all you need do is wait and life will soon hand you a subject on a silver platter.
I went for my yearly physical this morning. I got a clean bill of health. My doctor was impressed. I was shocked. I could have sworn that somebody in the lab forgot to carry the one in those numerical results, but who am I to challenge those who wear those fashionable white lab coats and rubber gloves for a living?
Whether the physical's results are good or bad, I have this tradition of going out to breakfast afterward. It's either a reward or self-medication, depending on the results of the physical. (Shhhh! Don't tell my doctor!) This year was no exception, so upon exiting the wholesome, professional office of good health, I jumped into the jalopy and raced off to the local greasy spoon to inflict new but tantalizing injury to my taste buds and all points south.
The counter was full of patrons, so I planted myself in a booth, with my face to the door as always. Those who have also ever worked in law enforcement and/or corrections know why. Anyway, I had a good view of the door and the counter, and could not help but notice one of the regulars, an elderly woman, leaving. She was wearing a T-shirt, which read on the back, "(Doctor's Name) Eye Center."
I am familiar with this place. They're all over the radio on commercials like "I Love Lucy" reruns dominate late-night TV. It's one of those quickie, in and out kind of lasik surgery places. (Call me crazy, but as a consumer, I would much prefer receiving some services much slower than others! If I ever need lasik surgery, that will be one of them! Take your time, Doc! I'm in nooooo hurry, so let's get it right! The last thing I would ever want to do is pressure a doctor coming near my peepers with a laser beam! Burgers should be dispensed via a drive-thru, but never eye surgery!)
I can only guess that the person in the T-shirt must have been a former patient, but why, oh, why would anyone ever want to advertise something like that? Frankly, I hope this is not a new trend. There are some medical procedures that I prefer not even think about (and my doctor gave me one of them during the physical!), let alone read them on somebody's apparel. Furthermore, who would ever go to such a facility and actually seek to purchase a souvenir to help them remember and cherish the experience of having their eyes cooked to about medium-rare? I've seen the old folks driving (slowly, and with the left turn signal perpetually on) with bumper stickers on their cars that read, "Ask us about our grandchildren!" (Yeah right! Like somebody is actually dumb enough to fall into that trap!) OK, I get that one, but this lady really bewildered me. Her T-shirt might as well have read, "Ask me about my lasik surgery!" Yeah, right! Right after I ask to see slides of her recent bus trip to the Jersey shore, and as for her driving, I don't even want to know! These lasik eye places also advertise all kinds of tacky, quirky, so-called special deals. (That's another thing I don't seek in eye surgery: a discount! I would much rather pay for what I get, and all of it!) But nowadays, who knows? Maybe that lady had to buy that T-shirt as a gimmick from the lasik doc in lieu of a co-pay for her insurance. Why not? I once (and only once!) went to a chiropractor who regularly ran a raffle in his office. Crazier things have been known to happen, especially in healthcare.
Just look around. We Americans are T-shirt happy, and I mean the adults as much as the kids. Just like the trendy, entrepreneurial miracle of bottled water, who ever thought that people would ever pay good, hard-earned money for dyed underwear with words and pictures on it to wear in public. T-shirts often subtly depict socio-economic class. I have lived in snooty, upscale, hoity-toity type towns and working, grungy, old mill towns, and pretty much whatever else exists in between. Those who make a little more coin tend to wear some version of a collared shirt for leisure, often a polo shirt if not a button-up. Those with a little less tend to wear T-shirts as casual wear.
As for yours truly, I'm a socio-economic misfit. I went to college, make fairly decent money, but I still drink cheap, domestic beer and wear T-shirts on my days off, including right now. As I just looked down, I saw a logo for Boca Raton, Florida on the T-shirt I am currently wearing. If that's not irony, I don't what is. Somehow that just seems about as comical as a polo shirt with a pit bull on the pocket where the alligator used to be.
The better half and I love to travel, although less so lately, between the economy and the ever-increasing ineptitude of the airlines that I just no longer have any patience for. Anyway, I'm one of those guys who just can't leave without first procuring the obligatory T-shirt, baseball cap, and coffee mug as a remembrance of my trip. I have two whole bureau drawers full of T-shirts, and by summer's end, I will have typically worn each of them three or four times.
Souvenirs from a vacation are understandable, and each one brings back a fond memory, and I suppose that is why we buy them. But I think I might have a problem and should start attending meetings. I also buy T-shirts at sporting events, and I'm really not even much of a sports enthusiast. Yes, I know what you're thinking: 1.) Then why does he go? 2.) And why does he buy a T-shirt? What can I say? It ain't easy being me! But it creates awkwardness. I wore a New York Mets T-shirt the other day as I ran some errands and got accosted and drawn into unsolicited conversation with strangers on about three or four occasions. I know next to nothing about the Mets. My boss is a die-hard Mets fan. He had an extra ticket a couple years ago and we went to a game together. It was something to do on a nice, summer afternoon. That's it. People say stuff to me about whatever team is displayed on my T-shirt, and I smile and say, "Oh, yeah, you got that right!" (I have no clue what they're talking about!) My wife went to Atlanta, Georgia for a conference a couple years ago. She's a big baseball fan, and while in Atlanta, she caught a Braves game and brought me home a Braves cap. We recently went to a cookout at a friend's house and met a couple that were friends of my buddy's wife. The guy saw my hat and was soon all over me like white on rice. Apparently, he has some cousin who plays for the Braves. I let him spew for about 20 minutes or so, and just wasn't in the mood, so I fessed up and told him that I didn't follow the Braves. He looked like I just insulted his mother or kicked his dog. But (unfortunately, he hung in there.) He pointed to my Boston Red Sox T-shirt. "Oh, I should have known," he said. (Oh damn! I forgot about that, too!) "Actually, sorry, but wrong again. I don't follow the Red Sox either, but the wife is from Massachusetts, and up there, the Red Sox and the damned Kennedy's are like religion, so I occasionally wear it to keep peace in the house." (If they ever come out with a "Kennedy" T-shirt though, I'm drawing the line!) Still trying to be polite, he asked which team I do follow. "Well, actually, none," I said. "Truth be known, I detest baseball, and always have. I would much rather watch an event far more stimulating, like paint drying, or someone slicing bread." Suffice to say that he pretty much left me alone after that, almost. I guess he figured a Red Sox T-shirt in Connecticut was not uncommon, but I could tell the Braves hat was still gnawing away at him, so of course, he had to ask, "But....the hat?" "It's a gift....I think," I answered. Every year I keep swearing to throw out every one of my T-shirts (and baseball caps) with any kind of athletic logo on them, but sentimentality, procrastination, lethargy, and deep-rooted pack rat proclivities have usually stopped me. But I think this year just might be the year.
A friend of mine bought me a T-shirt as a gift one time that says something like, "White, male, heterosexual, gun-toting, patriotic American, devout Christian, pro-life conservative! Any questions?" Well, he nailed it. That's me....to a "T"! (Sorry.) Now the trick is to actually wear this thing out in public....here in Connecticut!
As a joke, my sister bought and wore a T-shirt one time that said, "I'm with stupid," with a logo of a finger being pointed to the side under the caption. We were at a family cook-out and she made a point of standing close to me with the finger pointing at me. Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't a joke.
I also have T-shirts that I mysteriously bought, or people gave to me, which advertise various organizations and businesses. Imagine that: some company prints up T-shirts with its logo on them; we spend our money to buy the stupid things and actually wear them in public, and the company gets free advertising and we get none of the royalties. As Ricky Ricardo would say, "'Splain dat one, Lucy!" I guess it's more or less the same theory used by hotel chains, which advertise their logo and name on ashtrays, pens, and drinking glasses in the hope that you won't steal them (wink, wink, nod, nod)! Sometimes T-Shirt logos have little to no meaning. Remember the one several years ago that depicted a smiley face with a caption that simply said, "Have a nice day!" Millions of those things were sold and worn all over. Now you tell me, was the creator of that T-shirt an idiot or a genius?
Some T-shirts are a little off color, and I mean the verbiage on them, not the color itself, but despite the sometimes racy or somewhat earthy language, they often still contain a funny message. Then there are others that are just brutally and gratuitously profane with no humor and no other apparent purpose but to be profane. My only explanation for such expressions is that they depict the views and most likely, the character, or lack thereof, of the expresser wearing that filth. Some T-shirts, and some bumper stickers have messages that make no sense, except, hopefully, to the owner. Why would anyone ever want to deliberately say something that nobody understands? And if that idea is so trendy, then why do so many people oppose declaring English as our sole, official, national language?
I've also attended many a college football game. Due to the colder season, I usually buy a sweatshirt at such events. The sweatshirt is the less-known, less famous cousin of the T-shirt, but it, too can create awkward situations. I have had more alumni stop and ask me what year I graduated from Dartmouth, Yale, Columbia, Cornell, etc. than I could ever even count. I never attended any of those schools, except at their stadiums as a spectator. Then I explain that I am a highly educated, blue-collar schmuck who went to a local podunk college and lost gallons of sweat over Algebra 1. Soon after that point, they usually pop back into the Beemer with their bob-cut, preppy sweater wearing, former cheerleader little honey on their arm, and drive away, presumably to the country club, with a crinkled nose, a perplexed expression and a subtle "Harrumph" muttered under their breath. Shucks. I didn't even get to tell them that I drink cheap, domestic beer. Without exception, though, my all-time favorite school sweatshirt is the one, that with the trademark kind of tounge-in-cheek simplicity I so love, reads, "College." Now, that's a classic!
Some advertising is acceptable on T-shirts, while others are taboo. Tourist places like Aspen, Miami Beach, Nashville, or the Grand Canyon are all OK, yet Duluth, Newark, East St. Louis, or "That big, damned pothole in the middle of Maple Street" typically aren't sought after T-shirt slogans. Schools, places of business, especially restaurants and bars, and of course, just about any sports team are all OK. Religion is pretty much out. When was the last time you saw somebody in a bar, at a beach, or at a softball game sporting a T reading "Catholic," Jew," "Protestant," "Buddhist," or "Muslim" And why not? We keep talking about diversity in this country, but it seems that few people really wish to genuinely promote it. Every election year, we see all too many posted lawn signs that tell us which schmuck to vote for, be he or she Democrat, Republican or whatever, as if for some of us, reading that sign will win us over. (Then again, for some voters, it just might!) That's allowed. So why don't we see these same partisan homeowners walking around with T-shirts that read "Democrat" or "Republican"? Perhaps because in the summer heat, when T-shirts are typically worn, cotton simply breathes better than Kevlar.
But whether vulgar, innocuous, funny, mundane, ambiguous or free advertising, T-shirts are expressions of whatever it is we wish to express. But why? Why do we so continually and publicly opine about so many topics on T-shirts, baseball caps, coffee mugs, beer mugs, car bumpers, windshield stickers, lawn signs, in blogs, and on the editorial pages of newspapers? I don't know. Why are you reading my column right now?
Such expression can sometimes create unintended circumstances. I once dined in a Mexican restaurant, named "The Cuckoo's Nest" for reasons unbeknownst to me. They sold baseball caps advertising their business, and yes, I bought one. I was wearing that cap one day as I drove around looking for a local business that I was having trouble finding. I knew it was near the campus of a large mental institution, but I didn't know where that was either. I stopped some construction workers to ask for directions. I figured they wouldn't know where the business was, but they would know where this large institution was, and once I found that, then I could find the business, so I inquired where the mental institution was with a straight face. They both looked at each other, started chuckling, stared at me for a minute, chuckled a littler more, and then asked me to repeat what I asked. I did. They chuckled some more. I didn't get the joke, and frankly, they were starting to annoy me as I was in a hurry. They finally gave me directions. I thanked them and sped off. It was winter then and the heat in my truck was getting hot. I was getting sweaty. I turned down the heat and took off my cap. Later, as I went to put the cap back on, I suddenly noticed the logo, "Cuckoo's Nest." Then I laughed.
A longtime friend of mine is very much like me. Perhaps that is why we have been friends for now almost 30 years. He's conservative, has a sarcastic sense of humor, and like me, he is a college-educated, well paid, domestic beer drinking, socio-economic misfit who also never really left his blue collar roots and also got much farther in life with luck than with real talent. In fact, we both hail from the same city. He and I actually often jest about how we are both socio-economic misfits. But one difference between he and I is that I often wear T-shirts, and he never does. On his days off, he's always wearing a collared shirt of some kind, usually a polo shirt, regardless if he's going somewhere for lunch or working on his car. I once asked him why he never wears T-shirts, to which he characteristically and succinctly retorted, "I'm nobody's billboard."
I hope he never needs lasik surgery.
Doug Wrenn
