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Brian Evankovich

Truth or Consequences in These United States; or, A New Excuse to Sue
By Brian Evankovich
Jun 2, 2004 - 2:25:00 AM

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Last week's column on why some people believe the government failed to prevent the Sept. 11th attacks generated a lot of response that is worth a few comments.

The most common thread of responses accused Dubbya of being a new incarnation of Hitler. The left likes to toss that insult around a lot, and for evidence they use the Patriot Act (which most don't understand). The fact is that if Bush really were Hitler, certain vocal individuals on both the left and the right would be in a concentration camp by now waiting for Bush and Ashcroft to make lamp shades out of their skin (there is a world lamp shade shortage, after all). It's an inflammatory emotional outburst that makes no sense. It also touches on the extreme paranoia circulating through the left wing right now.

Another comment states that 9-11 was Bush's version of the infamous Reichstag fire in Germany. For those of you who are victims of public education, the Reichstag was where the German legislators met to pass laws and stuff. There's more to it than that, but that's the most you need to know. In 1933, somebody set fire to the Reichstag building. Communists were blamed, but history had judged Adolph Hitler - chancellor at the time - and his Nazis as the true culprits. In the public hysteria and finger-pointing that followed, Hitler took the opportunity to put a stop to all civil liberties, thus establishing his police state - and beginning the march to world war.

The funny thing is, similar paranoia ran through the right wing during the Clinton era. The right thought the Oklahoma City bombing - another terrorist act, interestingly enough, that the government is believed to have known all about yet did nothing to stop - was another Reichstag. The right expected Clinton, with the help of Janet Reno, to start rounding up the citizen militias and vocal right wing operatives, and repeal the right to bear arms. The fear was punctuated by earlier events at places called Waco and Ruby Ridge.

Hear any good conspiracy theories lately? Another reader wrote to suggest that Bush, as a member of the Carlyle Group (whoever that is), needed an excuse to go to war in the Middle East in order to grab the oil and make a ton of money for his fat-cat friends. Again, bunk. If we were there to grab the oil, I wouldn't be paying $2.40 per gallon of gas in San Francisco right now. There are other places to get oil – in Alaska – and we wouldn’t have to kill anybody to get it. If Bush and his buddies were as powerful as the conspiracy theorists claim, we’d be in Alaska stomping trees and killing animals in the name of black gold. But we’re not. The Democrats and environmentalists won’t allow it, so, really, they’re contributing to the death and chaos overseas. It's all John Kerry's fault.

By the way, how many "groups" are involved in so-called world domination and war profiteering right now? I've never heard of the Carlyle Group, but I have heard of the CFR, the Trilateral Commission, the Masonic Lodge, the Illuminati, the United Nations, the Trekkies, the Monkeys....

Oddly enough, those groups all seem to have the same members. Somebody needs to consolidate all those conspiracy theories because I can't keep track of them all. Methinks most of them are developed by people who have way too much time on their hands.

(I was actually told I could easily join the Masonic Lodge once by a friend who had been a member. He also set the record straight on a lot of the outrageous things being said about them, like the devil worshipping and other fun things. But when he told me it wasn't the best place to meet women, I decided not to participate.)

The truth is, Bush isn't anywhere close to being the boogeyman the left accuses him of being. We still have the Second Amendment, after all. The citizen cannot be made a subject as long as he has a rifle, something the Jews in Germany learned a little too late. The irony is, the left doesn't understand this, and wants to take our rifles away.


A NEW EXCUSE TO SUE

Okay, enough of the serious stuff.... time for some fun.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "'Obesity Relationships with Community Design, Physical Activity and Time Spent in Cars,' is scheduled to be published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine and released Thursday at the Time-ABC News Obesity Summit in Williamsburg, Va. The study of more than 10,500 Atlanta-area residents shows a strong link between time spent driving and obesity, said Lawrence Frank, the lead author and a professor at the University of British Columbia. People who can walk to stores and restaurants are less likely to be obese than their counterparts living in more sprawling areas.'

For you rocket scientists out there, it means driving a lot makes you fat.

One thing I share in common with that great American Fred Flintstone is a desire to get rich. Once or twice a week I dream up another get-rich quick scheme that inevitably fails, but, brother, I keep trying.

Here's one sure to succeed.

I'm suing my employer. I drive 40 miles to work every day. I have medical proof of high blood pressure - related to carrying a few extra pounds, brought on not by Cokes and hamburgers, but by my long commute. With this new study, I can prove that making me drive such an appalling distance is contributing to poor health, and take my company for every nickel they have. Easy Street, here I come. Get the mansion ready, granny.

I've already secured an attorney, Moe "Ron" McFly, and we're preparing a case.

If somebody can sue McDonalds for too-hot coffee, this should be a slam dunk.


Brian Evankovich lives in an undisclosed location in California, where he believes that being paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. Brianevankovich@hotmail.com.


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