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Brian Evankovich

The United Automatons of America
By Brian Evankovich
Nov 29, 2004 - 2:22:00 AM

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Faithfully serving our alien masters since 1975.
My father has taught me a lot, but the biggest lesson of all has been to never tell a woman she's fat.

A certain fellow at the University of New Hampshire, Timothy Garneau, didn't learn this lesson from his father.

Garneau, in true do-it-yourself spirit, decided the best way to solve the constant crowding of his dorm building's elevators was through some creative writing.

Here's a sample from the World Net Daily article where I saw this story:

"Garneau wrote: '9 out of 10 freshman girls gain 10 – 15 pounds. But there is something you can do about it. If u live below the 6th floor take the stairs….Not only will u feel better about yourself but you will also be saving us time and won't [sic] be sore on the eyes.'"

Garneau's theory was twofold: get the girls to drop the inches from their hips and free up space in the elevator at the same time. That's using your head, folks. Garneau patterned his flier after something similar in the school gym and meant it as a creative piece of satire.

Women complained, as you can imagine. More from the article:

"Turned in by an angry residence hall director, Garneau was charged with offensiveness including 'acts of dishonesty,' violation of 'affirmative action' policies, 'harassment' and 'conduct which is disorderly, lewd.' He was sentenced to expulsion from student housing, given extended disciplinary probation, required to meet with a psychological counselor to discuss his 'decisions, actions, and reflections' and made to write a 3000-word reflection paper about the counseling session."

The only thing they didn't do was ask Tom Ridge to raise the terror threat level.

Garneau took legal action and was eventually let back into his dorm, and further legal and disciplinary action against the dorm director may be pending.

But there are bigger questions raised by this situation.

Can't anybody take a joke anymore?

Are we all destined to be robotic automatons with no emotions and no sense of humor less we offend somebody of weaker emotional strength?

Was the flier insensitive? To whom? Nobody was specifically named.

This culture is asking to be made fun of when it accepts the outrageous promotional schemes of the various weight loss plans, exercise gear, and all the tricks made to make us beautiful that are splashed on television and magazine ads. The companies pushing that snake oil make millions of dollars a year from suckers, usually women, trying to match what they see in Cosmo. And these same people, or a smaller portion thereof, get upset when a college kid tries to satarize such truth?



1) Madonna was recently named one of the most influential Jewish Americans by the The Forward, a Jewish newspaper. That's a great accomplishment considering there's not a drop of Jewish blood in her, though she's gotten hooked on the Jewish mystic cult of Kabbalah. I guess that counts, and it's just what the world needs, too: another reformed sinner telling the rest of us how bad we are. When are so-called musicians like Madonna going to learn to just shut up and sing?

2) Speaking of religion, my friend Jason, whom I've known since high school, called me the other day with some good news. "I'm now a reverend in the Universal Life Church," he said.

"What does that mean?" I said.

"Who cares. I can do weddings and funerals, though. All legal."

Jason's usual enthusiasm and dedication to everything he does was as evident as always.

"If I can ever convince a woman to marry me," said I, "you can do the ceremony. We'll make a joke out of it like in the old days. Wear your wing-tips and your Dad's old zoot suit."

"You have no respect for the cloth," Jason said.

3) Have you heard about the half-time show for this year's Super Bowl? Apparently the NFL and TV networks are striving to avoid another JanetGate, so they've asked Paul McCartney to do the honors. That's going to be quite a trick. Doesn't everybody know that Paul is dead?

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