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Brian Evankovich

Janet Jackson and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
By Brian Evankovich
Feb 3, 2004 - 11:54:00 PM

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The only reason people are making a big deal about Janet Jackson exposing herself during the Superbowl is because she's black.

It's just another example of poor race relations in the United States. If it had been Britney Spears, nobody would care.

Just kidding.

Seriously, though, you have to wonder about the timing of the "big event" during the Superbowl half-time show. What's the big story in Washington, DC? There aren't any WMDs in Iraq, the CIA and British Intelligence were wrong, and the war was yet another masturbatory exercise in American might.

What are people talking about now?

Janet Jackson.

Put the two together, and you have Ms. Jackson exposed as an operative of the vast right-wing conspiracy, who timed the flash of her tassel-covered mammary gland to get Iraq out of the news. That's why she showed her "right" breast, you know.

It all makes perfectly good sense.


You may have been tickled to hear that every school in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee, has decided to ban the honor roll, the Associated Press reported recently.

You remember the honor roll: the list that highlights all the smart kids for doing and scoring well on every class assignment.

Apparently the honor roll has been banned in Nashville for two reasons:

  1. parents complained that it made the rest of the kids feel bad;
  2. the privacy laws are such that by listing the smart kids, you inadvertently violate the privacy of the stupid kids (because they’re not listed and thus exposed), and that opens the Nashville school system up for a lawsuit.

Whatever happened to the good old days when the honor roll was a hit list, and every kid on it got beat up? They were the nerds, after all - nobody cared.

This decision is a growth step for the United States, which for years has always said, to borrow from the Army, "Be All You Can Be." This country has always encouraged achievement and success because that's what the American spirit is all about. It's unique to our culture.

But, let's face it, not everybody can achieve.

For every generation, only the top five or ten percent ever do anything important - they're the leaders, philosophers, authors. Then you have those who hack out a living every day in whatever profession they've chosen, and they do very well - but that only takes care of the next 20 to 30 percent.

Then you have the rest.

The United States has left out "the rest" for far too long, and Nashville is on the forefront of correcting that error. The underachievers, when you think about it, are truly the ones that make this country go.

It's okay to be mediocre. You shouldn't have to try hard. Nor should you feel left out when others do try hard and are rewarded for it.

We should live in an America where no underachiever is left behind!

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