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Brian Evankovich

Bill Clinton's New Job, an SOS for Fido, and More Reality TV
By Brian Evankovich
Nov 16, 2003 - 5:55:00 AM

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One thing American presidents have over those from other countries are the myriad of job opportunities available to them after they leave office.

Such is the case with Bill Clinton, who may or may not take a position offered by the Chinese clothing firm Fapai Xifu. They'd like him to be their spokesman for a new line of suits for which they will pay him a salary of $2 million.

Fapai Xifu Co. is China's 17th largest clothing firm, and they'd like the former president with the five-star historical legacy to start next year, but they're still negotiating the deal.

Fapai Xifu's spokesman sited Mr. Clinton's "worldwide charisma" as his main asset.

When asked if the suits Clinton will promote would be pre-stained, Fapai Xifu's spokesman had no comment.

Sometimes these jokes write themselves.


So I get to work the other day and the boss hands me a magazine called Mother Jones with a page folded back. He said: "I know you'll love this."

The article shows the picture of a dog - one of them pug dogs like you saw in the Men in Black movies - and featured a report on a startling new trend. You've heard of breast implants, but now there are testicle implants. For dogs and cats. It's not really for the animals, but for the owners, who want their dogs to have testicles swinging back and forth as they wander down the hall like it's a form of entertainment or something.

Can't they watch football instead?

To quote from another article - this time in a Dallas, Texas, newspaper: "Produced by Missouri-based CTI Corp., the implants are available in different styles and sizes to fit cats, dogs, horses and bulls. Business has been strong, especially in Texas, where more Neuticles have been sold than in any other state except California."

Hmmmmm.... Texas and California. Hardly a surprise.

Kudos to the guy who invented what he's calling Neuticles, Gregg Miller, because I'm sure he's lining his pockets. And to vets who go where no man has gone before as they insert said Neuticles into the scrotums of various pets that are hopefully knocked out - otherwise it can make for a really long day.

Owners supposedly want their pets to look natural Ė and they don't mind paying up to $400 depending on the animal and the labor involved - but they're traumatizing the poor animal twice! First when his privates are snipped off, then when fake ones are jammed in.

Somebody send PETA an SOS.


While we're on the subject of man's best friend, it's a good time to bring up a recent reader comment where the message was simple: I'm not being controversial enough. Okay, fine. Here's some controversy:

There are people who look like their dogs.

This is such a hot topic that a company in San Rafael, California, called Indigo Films, is working on a reality TV show where people and their dogs will complete with other people and their dogs to see who resembles their pooch the most. Itís Fear Factor meets American Idol meets Best in Show, according to the press release announcing this endeavor. Theyíll even be a book featuring photos of people who look like their dogs. Yes, the dogs will be in the pictures, too.

Donít believe me? Check out Itís there - itís real - itís going to happen. Just when you though reality TV couldnít get any worse, this comes along. The funniest thing about it, though, is the fact that this project has its roots in research conducted by Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D. She saw a dog show in 1992 and noticed certain similarities between dogs and their owners, and decided all those years in school prepared her for a project of this magnitude. Miss Scott should be an inspiration to all Ph.Ds who hope to use their education, and knowledge, for the betterment of society in general, and children in particular.

Iím all for enjoying life and having a good time - especially since both aspects of life have been fleeting for me the past few years, because Iíve been working like a dog (sorry) to accomplish certain goals. The difficulty of this quest quite frankly wears me out, and I often look for trivial asides to take my mind off the task. But a show about people who look like their dogs is just ridiculous. Are we so bored we need something like this for entertainment?

Iíd point out that professional sports are still worth watching, but athletes and those in charge of the teams have become so overloaded with ego that the fun isnít there anymore. You can go and organize your own sports team, but somebody always starts crying when they get a boo-boo. What happened to enjoying nature? Never mind - developers are paving over all the open land and there isnít any to enjoy anymore, except neighborhood parks, but theyíre overrun with trash, both the human and the litter kind, and you have to watch your kids like a hawk in case Chester the Molester makes a grab. You can drive about 100 miles or so and find nature on your own, but who can afford it with gas prices so high?

I guess that only leaves the living room couch, television, something fattening to munch on, and a show about whether or not people look like dogs - I mean, their dogs.

It took a Ph.D to make it happen, so it has to be good, right?

Contact Brian at

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