Maybe you've heard how President Bush has a hot new idea of letting illegal immigrants get a head start in these United States, creating what amounts to amnesty for people who are breaking the law. Regardless of how temporary or controlled this new plan will be, it really puts the nail in the coffin of our immigration laws. Which is fine. Immigration laws have meant next to nothing for so long we might as well not have any. It means people like my grandparents - and anybody else going through the long, arduous naturalization process - were fools for entering this country the legal way.
But really, we need to quit complaining and get behind this is a plan, because it's a good deal. For the following four reasons.
Number One: We are told by Mr. Bush and immigrant rights groups that illegal immigrants - or "undocumented immigrants", the PC term - perform work that Americans will not do: clean houses and hotel rooms, pick fruit, perform various labor-intensive tasks. We are told that these jobs are vital to our nation's economy (otherwise the price of lettuce will skyrocket, for example - the horror!), but there's a reason why Americans - even those amongst the nation's poor - won't perform these jobs: we're too good for it. As a collective citizenry, we have survived the Depression, World War II, the Cold War era, the Monica scandal, the ongoing J. Lo and Ben saga, the Paris Hilton video - we should be allowed to sit on our super-sized behinds sucking on Miller Lites and watching football while lesser people perform those menial jobs. This country has always needed a permanent lower class (we had one many years ago, but it didn't work out), and thanks to Mr. Bush's new immigration plan, we will have that lower class. Amen!
Number Two: Illegal immigrants, mostly Hispanic, for whom this proposed policy is designed, are known for working for much less than you and I might expect to be paid. They are perfectly happy with these slave wages, because it's much better than what they had in Mexico. And they won't ask for medical benefits, either, because our social services take care of that, and Uncle Sam pays the bill. These immigrants also don't talk good English, so that helps - keeps them from complaining, and we all know how much employers hate complaints. For blue suit wearing fat cat Republicans, illegal immigrants allow profit margins to stay in the black while needed work is done for little or no money. Capitalism at its best!
Number Three: Slum lords need people to live in their broken down tenements with no heat, light, running water, and often with two or three families per room. When you only make a quarter an hour picking grapes, that's the best you can get - so that's where illegal immigrants go. If it weren't for illegal immigrants, slum lords would go hungry; in America, that is just inexcusable. Let no slum lord be left behind!
Number Four: The Democrats have the black vote sewn up. The GOP needs the Hispanic vote. Having an ethnic minority on your party's side is good strategery, as Mr. Bush might say. By allowing millions of illegal Hispanic immigrants into the United States, Mr. Bush can count on their vote in 2004's important presidential race, along with Hispanics who already vote legally and will just gush over Mr. Bush because he cares so gosh darn much. Whatever happened to plain old ballot stuffing and other all-American ways of winning elections? Vote early, vote often!
Anyway, those are four reasons why we should let as many illegal immigrants into our country as possible. With Mexico's president, Mr. Fox, firmly behind the initiative, we can't lose (which, by the way, is odd - what kind of leader wants to dump his countrymen on another nation?) Never mind that the strain on our social services will bankrupt states - just look at the financial mess California is in with its heavy illegal immigrant population. Never mind that taking advantage of people the way illegal immigrants are taken advantage of goes against everything this country is supposed to stand for, or at least what we say it stands for in our more naive moments. Never mind that we’re giving certain individuals a license to break the law - from a political party that, a few short years ago, told us how important the "rule of law" was at every opportunity. Never mind that a lax immigration policy allowed the September 11th hijackers to get into the country. Never mind that we are at war with an enemy that does not wear a uniform, and our borders should be sealed to prevent the further infiltration of said enemy.
Maybe Congress will step in and - wait, never mind. The GOP controlls Congress.
Brian Evankovich lives in California, but swears he's not embarrassed by it. And no, he's not retarded. You're invited to reach him at email@example.com and express yourself – he’s ready to believe you.