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Bernard Chapin

Perez Hilton Fans Unite
By Bernard Chapin
Jul 17, 2007 - 7:43:30 AM

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This morning my Mozilla start page opened up to a link of a featured video from The View in which the hosts purportedly went after some blogger for one reason or another. I clicked on it but honestly was not familiar with their sacrificial lamb, Perez Hilton, before doing so. Yet The View is a show I know quite well as it is a toxic societal cesspool and the perfect embodiment of the self-absorption and narcissism that so afflicts and debilitates the essence of so many modern women. If its hosts were going to roast young Mr. Hilton then I thought I would respond by providing a testament to their bias and irrationality.

They began the episode by introducing him and pointing out that he had "the most hated website in Hollywood." The hosts also let their audience know that what was about to transpire was a gigantic conflict of interest because all four of the harpies on stage were probably castigated at one time or another by Mr. Hilton.

An examination of his website reveals it to be exactly the trivial and irrelevant sort of thing one would expect, but its political incorrectness gave it unexpected value. The guy says whatever he wants and will entertain his readers by defiling whatever or whomever he wants - and thank God for that!

After scanning a few of his headlines and neo-stories I was quite pleased. This is the type of doppelganger who can do a tsunami's worth of damage to our societal engineers. Even if you could care less about the moronic celebrities to which he has seemingly devoted his life you still have to appreciate his irreverence. The man is an asset.

For example, I was rolling after reading what he had to say about some large lesbian who bullied him at L.A.'s Outfest:

The night was so much fun until this drunk bitch that was volunteering began getting belligerent with Perez. She even shoved us off the stage TWICE for no apparent reason, other than she was drunk. Security eventually escorted that ho out of the building.

And, luck would have it, as we were going through the pictures from last night, the drunk douche (above with horns) was in one of our photos. Isn't she sexy?

At any rate, what was so remarkable about The View's attempt to take down Mr. Hilton was the cowardice, imbecility, and incompetence that the hosts displayed in the process. All four of these mental featherweights grilled him and had nothing to show for their efforts.

They sat him in the strategic position of having two harridans on his right and two harridans on his left. Perhaps they hoped that this would destabilize him in the midst of their assault. This was a faulty assumption. Mr. Hilton was calm and unflappable throughout the interview. In fact he was fifty times more professional than anyone else on stage. Their emotion addled commentary did not befoul him as he responded to their ire with good cheer and pleasantries. I do not know how many The View fanatics he won over but he clearly outclassed all four of these half-witted beasts.

For the past forty years, the dominant theme of our politics has been emotion over reason. Here, the show's anchors displayed considerable self-righteousness and faux outrage over Perez's alleged ridicule of children. Maybe they hoped to alienate him from their affect-plagued audience, but they failed to cite one example of his ever humiliating a child. When I perused his site I could not find one instance of his ever doing so.

The truth is that many of us have been illogically besieged in this manner by self-indulgent emotionacs and the tactic they took with Mr. Hilton was pure subterfuge. The priestesses used the holy shrine of children as a mace with which to flail the young man and continued with the same inane trope while avoiding the mentioning of any specifics.

The truth is that they were infuriated by the way Mr. Hilton had satirized them, or people like them, in the past and were now out for blood. Luckily, they were too witless to spill any. Their obvious irritability and condescension undermined their best efforts to vilify the young dish artist.

One of them, Elisabeth Hasselback, mentioned at outset that his nickname for her was "Elisabitch" and then proceeded to prove Mr. Hilton quite prescient in his understanding of human personality for the duration of the interview. Another seemed to following a pre-written script by making note of the out-and-proud Mr. Hilton's being gay - even though he had already responded to a question about his earnings with the quip, "a lady doesn't discuss her finances."

The bottom line here is that Mr. Hilton's acerbic treatment of celebrities is exactly what those vapid and intellectually impoverished bonobos deserve. That our glitterati are so incensed by his daggers lets the world know exactly how non-substantive and brittle they actually are. This elite spends their days partying, navel gazing, and wasting the lives with which they were blessed.

What better proof of the extent to which our culture has declined than when a conservative writer feels warm, paternal, and protective towards a homosexual gossip columnist. Yes, these are gay days indeed. Bravo young man, at least to me, you are absolutely fabulous.

Bernard Chapin is the author of Escape from Gangsta Island and a soon-to-be released book on women. He can be contacted at

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