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America at Large

America At Large: My War With Fruitcakes
By Ricky Allen
Dec 24, 2004 - 12:05:00 AM

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WINSTON-SALEM, NC -- If there's one thing I hope I don't get this year ... It's fruicakes.

What is their purpose? Why do we give them? Don't people know they are the worst of culinary gifts to give? Being the son of a preacherman, I've had my share of fruitcakes (I ate a piece and was scarred for life).

And their shelf life is immortal. I think there's still one in my mother's house from 1995. I would have interviewed someone on this matter like I always do, but I have some venting to do here.

First of all, has anyone seen people actually eat a fruitcake? A piece maybe? In my 27 years on this earth, I have yet to see anyone eat a fruitcake, or hear anyone bear witness to the event.

My feelings on fruitcakes is that someone, somewhere had nothing else; no cookies, no milk, and decided to take whatever fruit was left in the house, and just put it all into a cake. And it had to have happened at Christmas, cause that's the only real time you see them. It's like the consolation prize if you didn't get anything from a person.

Please, I beg America today, as we patiently await Christmas ... NO FRUITCAKES!

However, I'm sure that there is someone out there in this great country that will dispute this article in defense of those kitchen table weights. However, my campaign stands firm, and I implore the rest of the country not to buy a fruitcake, don't give one to anybody, or even consider them Christmas gifts. Does anyone know how to make these abominations taste good? Something safe and edible? Then email me: and share your thoughts and they'll be added in my next column.

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